The Inebriation Manipulation
by Crystalrose7788
Summary: Amy is sexually frustrated and wants to jump-start a physical relationship with Sheldon. But will she regret her unconventional method of opening the proverbial door? Please review!
1. The Disregarded Summons

**A/N: So this is my first Big Bang Theory fanfic. Please review, even if it's only a few words!**

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><p>The toothbrush wasn't enough.<p>

There. She had finally acknowledged the truth, if only in her head. Gerard wasn't going to cut it anymore.

Amy Farrah Fowler had been pseudo-girlfriend to Sheldon Lee Cooper for more than a year now, and all that she had received from him in terms of physical intimacy was initiated by her in its entirety. A chaste kiss. A brief handhold. A cuddle, achieved through rigorous negotiation to aid her through her darkest hour.

Until now.

Sheldon had stated clearly in their recently amended relationship agreement that their relationship was to remain one of intellectual intercourse only. She had not sought to amend the agreement at the time, well-aware of the futility in trying.

And yet, here she was, in her apartment, sitting alone on her couch with a bottle of bourbon, drowning (or perhaps enhancing) her sorrows at her predictable predicament. Penny could get laid whenever she wanted—and why shouldn't she, with that body? Bernadette was engaged to the embodiment of a 'horndog'. And Priya—catty, manipulative Priya—had somehow taken Leonard's attention away from her bodacious bestie Penny. These women all knew how to get their men to do their bidding. And yet, here she sat, a Ph.D. in neurobiology, no less, and she couldn't crack Sheldon Cooper.

Amy's laptop binged impatiently, signaling yet another attempt at Skype. A tiny smile appeared on her face. Surely it was Sheldon, on his fifth attempt that evening. She would let him stew. Her cell phone remained perfectly silent, a fact which initiated her to roll her eyes.

"How can I commence a physical relationship?" Amy said aloud, to no one in particular. "If nothing else, how can I get Sheldon to second base?"

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><p>"She's not answering my Skype invitations," Sheldon fretted, pacing the living room that he and Leonard shared. "She hasn't answered my emails either."<p>

"Have you tried calling her?" Leonard suggested.

Sheldon huffed.

"Haven't we already covered why that option is invalid?"

Leonard smiled at him.

"I don't think we have."

"Again you forget," Sheldon said with an exasperated roll of the eyes. "The decibels emitted by Amy Farrah Fowler's laptop best by at least 60 decibels her personalized ringtone for yours truly. Thus, if she is unable to perceive the Skype invite, there's no hope that she'll heed my ringtone."

"Well, then just keep trying to contact her in the most impersonal ways possible," Leonard muttered.

"You make it sound like a bad thing," Sheldon replied poutily. "I am concerned for her welfare. She is my girlfriend and it is my obligation to do so."

"Is that in the relationship agreement?" Leonard asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Need you ask?"

Leonard rolled his eyes.

"So, if I, say, rip up the agreement, will you cease to care about her?"

Sheldon stopped pacing for a moment, staring at Leonard with wide eyes.

"I did not describe the action as 'caring', Leonard," he spat. "It is merely a societal obligation contained within the bounds of a romantic relationship."

"Stop—you're making me swoon," Leonard teased. "Have you considered that Amy might be mad at you? I mean, with that kind of explanation, who wouldn't be?"

"She has no reason to be angry with me," Sheldon replied, continuing to pace. "She was quite pleased with her Chinese food tonight and was in fact surprisingly adept at playing Adventure Island III. Not only that, but she left for her residence with nary a frown."

Suddenly Sheldon froze, truly horrified.

"Wait—you don't think something happened to her on the way back to her apartment?"

Now Leonard was surprised by the sudden chill running up his own spine. Sheldon didn't often express emotions towards other people that were tangible enough to see.

"There's only one way to find out," Leonard suggested, shrugging as casually as possible. "Call her."

"Better yet, you can drive me there. If something were to happen to her during travels from my dwelling to hers, I would be held totally accountable, even though I cannot walk her to her door every night, as it were. I would have to drive to do that."

"Then drive," Leonard said. Sheldon glared at him.

"Have you gone insane? It's an incredibly dangerous and expensive assignment to undertake day in and day out. I would rather _you_ accompany me to her residence. I mean, let's face it, Leonard, you have nothing better to do."

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><p><strong>Please review!<strong>


	2. The Inhibition Annihilation

**A/N: Thank you all so much for reading, reviewing and story alerting! Because of my happiness at all the feedback, I am capable of posting a chapter so much quicker! Please use this instance of fast updating as further incentive to review!**

**Oh, and I forgot to mention the disclaimer in the last chapter. I don't own the characters. Nope, none of them.**

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><p>Chapter 2: The Inhibition Annihilation<p>

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><p><em>Knock knock knock.<em> "Amy."

_Knock knock knock._ "Amy."

_Knock knock knock._ "Amy."

From her position on the couch, Amy hadn't expected Sheldon to arrive at her door in the mere hour it had been since they had last communicated. True, she had left vintage game night encouraged by her excellent control of Master Higgins on his prehistoric adventure to rescue Tina, but a goodnight kiss eluding her yet again sent her over the edge with despair.

Silence followed the three repeats of her name. Would he be inclined to knock again, in spite of his usual knocking style? Would his desire to see her trump that particular idiosyncrasy of his?

"_Let's go, Leonard. She's not home_."

Amy heard the muffled voice of Sheldon giving up.

"_You saw her car in the lot, Sheldon. She's in there_," Leonard replied.

"_Perhaps she's voiding. I think we ought to—_"

"_Gas is now $4.00 a gallon_," Leonard hissed. "_I can't afford to take useless trips._ _Either you get your girlfriend to open that door or I'm going to leave you here in the hallway_."

Amy sat in complete silence on the couch, bottle of bourbon in hand, staring intently at the wall in front of her. This was a test.

"_You forget that I am perfectly capable of utilizing public transportation—_" Sheldon's voice squeaked.

"_You're not wearing your bus pants_," Leonard pointed out. "_And don't even get me started on what people do in taxi cabs…_"

"_Amy, I know you're in there_," Sheldon called out, his voice laced with impatience.

Amy let out a long-held breath. Sheldon had broken protocol. Whether it was due to a desire to escape the unpleasantries exchanged between Leonard and him or whether he truly wanted to see her was irrelevant for the moment. She stood up and strode to the door, noticeably unsteady on her feet. The bourbon was certainly working its charms on her cerebellum.

"What do you want, Sheldon?" she called through the door.

"What do I want, you ask?" Sheldon replied. "As it states on line 43B of the relationship agreement, we are required to allow access to our respective apartments when advanced notice is given."

"You didn't give me advanced notice," Amy muttered, shaking her head. Curses to that relationship agreement which prohibited so much and allowed so little.

"I sent you a text approximately 14 minutes ago indicating that I was making my way to your residence. It is out of my control if you choose to ignore the advanced notice." He sighed loudly. "Amy, let me in."

She could hear him stomp his foot in protest and it was endearing enough to cause her to open the door to perhaps observe the moment of impatience. It had since passed. Sheldon quickly slid past her without even a bit of bodily contact and sat down on her couch. She saw Leonard slinking away waving a sheepish little wave.

When Amy turned back to her apartment, Sheldon was looking at her expectantly.

"What," she blurted. In her left hand was the bottle of bourbon.

"You're drunk, aren't you?" Sheldon queried. His look was that of surprise and disdain.

"How'd you figure that one out?" Amy asked him right back.

"For one, you are currently in possession of an alcoholic beverage which appears to be at least one third empty, indicating consumption. Secondly, your balance and language skills are lacking. And thirdly, you smell like a drunken hobo."

Amy frowned at him for a couple of seconds and then stumbled back over to the couch.

"I could smell you from there, thank you," Sheldon commented, wrinkling up his nose.

"You came all the way over here and now you want me to stay away?" Amy pouted. "This is my apartment, Sheldon. I live here, not you."

"Thank the heavens for that," Sheldon muttered, half under his breath. "I could live under a bridge with a vagrant if I wanted to smell booze all day."

"Do you know why I'm drunk?" Amy blurted. "Well, do you?"

"In short, the effects of the inhibitory neurotransmitter GABA have been enhanced and the excitatory neurotransmitter glutamine is inhibited. Thus, the memory, judgment, and balance centers of the brain are depressed and you experience the phenomenon of inebriation."

"No," Amy retorted. "It's because _I'm_ depressed, Sheldon."

"Though I am prone to agree with your statement equating the self with the brain, I fail to—"

"Sheldon," Amy interrupted. "You and me are in a relationship, correct?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes.

"You and _I_, Amy. Gosh, don't tell me your language center is done for too."

"Fine," she huffed. "Are you and _I_ in a relationship?"

"Indeed," he replied. "What does our status have to do with—"

"I'm frustrated, Sheldon," she interrupted. "I have needs."

Sheldon's eyes scanned the house and finally locked on hers.

"Looks like you have just about everything you need right here in your apartment," he replied in a jovial tone. "Now, if you need to go grocery shopping, you know that you'd have to drive."

"I have needs that can only be met by you," she clarified. She placed a hand on his thigh.

He pulled away involuntarily, his eyes agog.

"Oh dear."

"Sheldon, are you ever going to want me?"

He gaped at her, using all the willpower he had not to cringe at her booze-infused breath.

"W-what?"

"Second base," she said. "Anywhere."

"I'm not much of a baseball fan," he muttered, clearly unnerved. "Not at all, actually."

"Do you even know what second base is?" Amy asked.

"Sure I do," he replied. "It's the base after first base and before third base."

Amy slapped her own forehead and shook her head. She began to lift the bourbon to her lips, but she felt a hand press down firmly on her wrist. Looking down, she saw that Sheldon was blocking her from lifting the bottle.

"I can always switch hands, you know," she said, her voice significantly more playful than she felt. "This is an ultimatum, Sheldon. Either ravage me now or provide me with a date and time that it would be more convenient for you."

"Why are you always like this when you're drunk?" he asked, squinting at her. "In your normal state, you are logical, reasonable, and your inhibitions form a very attractive wall around you. You lose all of your charm and your boundaries when you drink."

"Do you not realize why people drink?" Amy asked. "I have heard of your escapades while under the influence of alcohol. Was it not fun?"

"Don't remind me," he admitted sheepishly, recalling the YouTube video. "All I am able to recall directly are the hangovers the next day, which are rather unpleasant." He wished to steer away from this particular subject. The YouTube video in question was now flagged but still very much accessible. "Speaking of drinks, why don't you make yourself useful and fetch me a cold beverage? I am, after all, your houseguest."

Just then an idea occurred to Amy. If she was as he said, 'always' like this when she was drunk, and she was a suitable equal for Sheldon, then it was reasonable to assume that he would be like this when he was drunk, e.g., lustful and lonely.

It was worth a try. The worst that could happen was that her null hypothesis would be rejected.

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><p><strong>AN: Please review! **


	3. The Rebuffed Proposition

**A/N: Thank you all so much for your reviews and story alerts! I estimated my time of finishing this chapter to be tomorrow, but because of all the feedback, I'm happily typing away!**

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><p>As Sheldon sat as stiff as a board on the couch, his hands neatly folded on his lap, Amy pondered how difficult it was to watch his intense discomfort. She'd been introduced to alcohol by Penny and Bernadette, and though she'd fought it at first, it had its benefits. That being sociality.<p>

"Why don't you drink what I'm having?" Amy asked Sheldon.

"That hooch?" he scoffed. "No thank you; I'd rather drink river water."

"You've drank alcohol before," she whined. "And I saw the YouTube video. I'll have you know that your impromptu striptease has gotten me through many lonely nights."

His eyes darted away from her. He didn't understand the implications of her statement, but it still bothered him to know that Amy had seen parts of him that he never even looked upon.

"Who told you?" he muttered self-consciously, eyes set on the floor.

"Everyone," she replied with a smile, "and Google."

"Fare thee well, Nobel Prize," he groaned, dramatically clutching his forehead. "Now do you understand why I wish to avoid alcoholic beverages at all costs?"

"I'll not let you do anything stupid. I'll take care of you," she replied reassuringly, stroking his leg. "Do this for me, Sheldon," she begged, holding out the bourbon. "Just take a sip first, no harm done."

"As a matter of fact, harm would be done to all of humanity if that poison were to slay one of my brain cells. The conversion factor between my brain cells and the brain cells of the average human are at _least_ 1 to 32 in terms of cognitive function."

"Are you saying you're 32 times more likely to get drunk than the average person?" Amy cooed.

"Well, clearly _you_ are," he snapped back irritably. "Amy. As per the houseguest agreement and furthered by our relationship agreement, you must provide me with a cold beverage."

"Right," she said, her eyes sparkling as she stood. She wobbled a bit as she moved towards the kitchen, bottle in hand.

"Why are you taking that bottle with you?" Sheldon queried. Amy stopped in place. Good. He'd noticed.

"Why, would you like me to leave it with you?" she hastily replied.

"No," he muttered. "Please, just get me a drink before I have to head back to my apartment. By the way," he said, smiling. "Shotgun!"

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><p>It was fortunate to be wider and taller than Bernadette, at least in this particular case. Amy stood at the counter beside her refrigerator, removing a pitcher of iced tea and placing it next to her bottle. Deftly she unscrewed the lid of the bourbon and poured a lid-full of it into the glass. At the same time, she made it obvious that she was lifting the iced tea pitcher, her elbow bent at a 45° angle as she poured it. Both beverages splashed into the cup at the same time. If nothing else, she was on her way to perhaps seeing his buttocks tonight, and the thought made her smile. Would a placebo be enough to lower his inhibitions?<p>

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><p>Amy replaced the lid on the bourbon bottle and pushed it towards the back of the counter. She then placed the pitcher of iced tea back in the refrigerator. Turning around, she held Sheldon's cup in her hands. He was staring at her with slightly narrowed eyes.<p>

"Where's the bottle?" he asked, as she moved towards him.

"It's on the counter," she replied as casually as possible. "Why, would you care to have some?"

"Must we play this banal game yet again?" he scoffed, rolling his eyes. "It should be extremely evident that I have no interest in procuring your booze."

She continued to approach him, holding out the iced tea glass for him to take. He gazed at her warily.

"Fine, Sheldon. Here's your drink. When would you like to head back to your place?"

"Well, seeing as I've already wasted 29 minutes discussing alcohol and baseball with you," he muttered, looking at his watch, "I would prefer to leave in oh, 16 minutes or so."

"Fine," she replied, crossing her arms tightly across her chest. Stiffly she sat down next to him and kept her gaze on his face. He lifted the cup to his lips but didn't drink. He was watching her out of the corner of his eye.

"Amy Farrah Fowler, you are staring at me," he stated, a mixture of surprise and strangeness in his voice.

"I can't help it," she replied. "You are one fine physical specimen."

"Oh, Lord, let's not get into that vicious cycle again," he muttered, quickly taking a long sip of the drink. When he lowered his hand, his brow was knitted. "Have you changed the recipe for your iced tea?" he asked. "It tastes… different."

"Well," she began to reply, "I used newly made ice this time. Last time the ice was stale."

"That may explain it," he conjectured. He took another lengthy sip out of the cup. Now it was half empty. "Or," he said, standing up and looking at her and to the kitchen, "Or you spiked my drink."

Amy's eyes went wide and she promptly broke down into fits of giggles. The experiment had begun.

"What's so funny?" Sheldon asked, screwing his eyebrows up. "My words were not intended to elicit laughter."

Amy continued to giggle for a few more seconds and she then composed herself. She'd figured he'd finish the whole glass. If he was to become intoxicated on half a glass, it would have to have much more alcohol content by volume. She mentally calculated a new proof.

"Truth be told, Sheldon, I spiked your drink with the most potent alcohol I could muster. Though that bottle on the counter is labeled bourbon, it in fact contains... 160 proof ethanol distilled in my very apartment."

With that Amy smirked at him, hoping that he would charge at her and tackle her on the couch. Her statement was patently untrue, of course, but Sheldon didn't know any better. He didn't know the difference between bourbon and lab ethanol in terms of taste. He could be convinced as easily as Raj that an unknown drug or compound was having its effects. He'd only drank about 500 microliters of 80 proof bourbon in a half a glass of iced tea, but he didn't have to know that-at least, not immediately.

"Are you saying that I am on my way to being intoxicated?" he gasped.

"Yes," she replied simply, smiling.

"Why, you… evil, evil woman," he muttered, mouth agape. "Drugging me against my will. You have willfully disobeyed the relationship agreement."

"Then you should punish me," she said, smirking. He looked quite annoyed with her, and she began to fear that her experiment wouldn't go to fruition.

Sheldon could only stare at her in puzzlement.

"In fact, Amy, this action is such a flagrant violation of our relationship agreement that perhaps it has rendered it null and void."

Suddenly Amy became serious.

"What are you saying, Sheldon?" she replied. "That we can now continue this relationship without the agreement?"

He put a finger up, closing his eyes.

"When the agreement is voided, then the relationship is null and void."

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><p><strong>AN: Ooh, drama! Please review if you'd like to see more!**


	4. The Placebo Effect

**A/N: Thank you to all those who reviewed/favorited/are being alerted to this story!**

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><p>CHAPTER 4 – The Placebo Effect<p>

Amy's heart began to race. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. Sheldon was supposed to be angry, of course, but not want to end everything between them. She had to fix this in some way.

"That's just the alcohol talking," she spat. "Look at you; you're wobbling."

"Am not!" he insisted, looking down at his feet.

"Are too!" she replied. "I attribute your want of relationship termination as an animalistic urge ignited by the presence of alcohol. As a male animal, your urge to spread your seed, as it were, to as many females as possible is now uninhibited. You seek to end the relationship merely to answer Nature's call."

"I have evolved beyond those urges," Sheldon corrected, fidgeting nervously. "However, Nature's call to urinate is ever-present. Excuse me."

As he walked away, Amy smiled.

"If you feel the need to expose any body parts henceforth, know that only I will partake of the sight. Your body is safe with me."

"A lie!" Sheldon raged. "If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be drunk!" Without saying another word, Sheldon loudly shut her bathroom door behind him.

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><p>"Sheldon," Amy called out. It had been fifteen minutes and Sheldon had not yet emerged. There was no answer from the bathroom. The sink was certainly running, however. Thankfully the door was incapable of locking. She turned the knob and pushed the door open to find Sheldon with his mouth under the tap.<p>

"What are you doing?" she asked, staring at him. This was not like Sheldon, drinking water directly from the tap, let alone directly from the spigot itself. Immediately Sheldon straightened back up, the towel he'd been using to dap his mouth falling into the sink. Being as the towel was now wet, he self-consciously used his sleeve to wipe the water from the corner of his mouth.

"I am rehydrating myself," he asked. "Sobering up, as it were. I can't trust any of the beverages in your refrigerator. For all I know, they're all spiked."

"You can't sober up that quickly, Shelly," she cooed. "You know better than that."

Sheldon simply didn't know better either way, so Amy could feed him information about this particular phenomenon of human socialistic behavior. Obviously he couldn't get drunk within 5 minutes, and yet, here he was, believing her words without question.

"Don't call me that," he shot back, holding his head up haughtily. "As you recall, my mother does _not_ approve of our relationship and thus you cannot adopt her habits." He shut his eyes dramatically. "I would like to be driven home."

"I'm drunk, remember?" Amy replied. "I'm very likely to be involved in a fatal traffic accident."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" he muttered, fear in his eyes. "You've intentionally trapped me here."

"Well, you came here on your own volition, so no, I didn't trap you. In case you failed to realize, neither of us can leave."

Suddenly Amy was made aware of the water spilling over the edge of the sink and dribbling to the floor. Damn. At least it wasn't carpeted.

Ignoring the sounds of water, Sheldon stepped towards her, an emotion stronger than irritation in his eyes. It was as if he were actually angry.

"How was I to know you were going to be incapable of returning me to my apartment?" he said with a grimace.

"That was at least one of the reasons why I was ignoring your Skype requests," she replied. "Anyway, you could have called and you might've picked up on it," she added with a shrug.

Sheldon recalled Leonard's suggestion to call Amy. Why did it seem as if everyone around him followed a different set of social rules than he did? Right; it was because he had evolved past that.

As Amy's eyes moved from the water to him, Sheldon took another step towards her. This step was ill-fated and the water beneath his foot caused him to slip and fall backwards onto the floor with an indignant yelp, smacking the back of his head against the tile.

Amy was aghast and covered her mouth with her hands. Immediately she turned off the tap and got down on all fours next to Sheldon's head.

"Sheldon, are you alright?" she asked, shaking his shoulder. "Sheldon!"

"Oww," he mumbled, lifting his upper body shakily off the flooded floor, his eyes tightly shut. He steadied his upper body weight on one hand, and with the other, felt the back of his head. It was tender. His eyes opened and saw that Amy Farrah Fowler's face was inches from his own.

"I'm so glad you're alright!" Amy cried. With that, she leaned down and planted a kiss on his lips.

Sheldon blinked rapidly in surprise at the random action, and when he opened them again, Amy was blushing.

"Why did you do that? If that was CPR, Amy, you are in dire need of a lesson. Besides, if you'd checked my vital signs, you would have seen that my heart and lungs were functioning properly."

"It was a kiss," she deadpanned. "I thought you were hurt. You fell and hit your head on the floor. Do you want me to call an ambulance?"

"Heavens, no," he muttered. "I don't feel like picking up an opportunistic infection during treatment for a mere headache."

"What?" Amy blurted. Sheldon just feared for his brain earlier, and now he was dismissing this as a headache?

"Opportunistic infection," he repeated. "MRSA and VRSA and all other forms of bacterial attack that rhyme with that common foot malady. You know," he sniggered, "a bursa."

"Seriously, I can call an ambulance. I think you might need an MRI. Wait—I've got the electrodes here so _I_ could conceivably check—"

"My CNS is depressed from the alcohol and I just want to go to sleep," he muttered, sitting up straighter. "May I stand now?"

"Do you want to go back to your place?" she asked, moving back to give him room. "Because you do realize that I'm still—"

"Yes, we both are," he said, bending a knee and raising up onto his foot. "And since you put me in this state, it is only appropriate in this case for you to give me your bed."

Amy's eyes lit up. Bingo.

"Of course, that goes without saying," she replied. A night with Sheldon in her bedroom. Were her fantasies finally going to come true?

"You take the couch," he muttered irritably, now towering over her.

_Fantasies, shmantasies._

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><p><strong>AN: Please review, especially if you like this story enough to sign up for story alert or favoriting. The number of reviewers have dropped off and my enthusiasm has been reduced by the factor of reviewer reduction…..**


	5. The Illdefined Idiom Quandary

**A/N:** **Wow! Thank you to all who reviewed! My goodness, I'm so happy! I ended up rewriting this chapter (it was far angstier) due to the feedback, and I hope you all like it! It's because of your feedback and interest that I was able to completely rewrite this, and I think it's way better now!**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 5 – The Ill-defined Idiom Quandary<strong>

While Sheldon slept in her bedroom, Amy fidgeted on the couch, feeling herself finally sobering up. It appeared that Sheldon would never be interested in her the way she was interested in him. It was frankly impossible. Her experiment had failed, and she'd almost lost him as a boyfriend in the process.

Or had she lost him? He'd never confirmed it, shaken hands on it, or ceremoniously torn up a copy of the relationship agreement.

I was always told that when one door closes, another door opens, she mused. Where's the open door?

She felt the urge to check on Sheldon. He _had_ hit his head quite audibly on the floor and if he caught her standing over him, it was a perfectly sensible rationale.

Slowly, Amy entered her bedroom to see Sheldon lying on his back, the covers tucked up under his chin. His eyes were closed peacefully and he did not so much as snore. She was intrigued. Leaning ever so gradually, she positioned her face over his nose to feel the rhythmic expulsion of each breath. It didn't look as if he'd gotten a concussion and he appeared to be fine. She would have checked the responsiveness of each pupil to light, but that would most certainly wake him.

She stared at Sheldon blatantly. It was nice to be able to gaze upon him without receiving a look of confusion or disapproval. Gingerly she reached a hand out and hovered it over his chest, feeling the warmth emanating from his body under the covers. He was so close, and yet, so very far away, just as he was during wakefulness.

Suddenly, Sheldon's hand moved to scratch his chest. In its unconscious journey to satisfy an itch, it stumbled across Amy's hovering hand. Amy sucked a breath in, her eyes widening. Why did she feel so much guilt for doing something romantic when she was in fact his girlfriend?

She didn't have much time to fully weigh out the consequences of this small act. Sheldon's hand had reached an impasse with her own. She felt the urge to pull her hand back but she was frozen with fear and could only stare at the convergence of hands.

It was then that Sheldon's hand moved over her own and his fingers constricted, clasping her hand in his own and lowering it directly onto the blanket which directly covered his chest. Amy felt butterflies in her stomach and—further below. She stared at his face—his eyes were closed, his mouth peaceful. She stared at her hand, now trapped within the confines of his hand. She'd never felt so aroused in her life at this spontaneous action. She attempted to move her hand away, but he held fast, his grip tightening. Amy took advantage of the rarest of opportunities to carefully crawl into bed with Sheldon.

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><p>Rather than close her eyes and sleep, Amy watched her boyfriend in the dark until her lids were heavy, taking in a sight she most likely would never experience again. All the while she thought of impossibilities: coitus, for one. As her optimism swung upward, she vowed to toss Gerard at the next opportunity. Sheldon's hands were not the least bit sweaty or unpleasant. Oh, why did this man tease her so?<p>

By morning, Sheldon had turned toward Amy, his head lying on her shoulder, arms wrapped around her abdomen as if he were holding a human-length pillow.

Amy opened her eyes carefully to find Sheldon's face just below her chin. The smell of baby powder filled her nostrils and she was overjoyed. Sheldon had quite a snuggly, pleased expression on his face, his lips drawn up into a boyish smile. This she was only able to see because she had inadvertently left her glasses on the night before.

Truly, seeing Sheldon clinging to her in 20/20 vision was heaven. If coitus was any better than this, she would die... literally. She conjectured that by her constant sighs of pleasure, she'd deplete her body of carbon dioxide and her medulla oblongata wouldn't be able to respond accordingly to increase her respirations and retain a normal blood oxygen level. But for now, this was perfection.

She closed her eyes again and fell back into a sleep consisting of possibly attainable sexual forays with Sheldon.

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><p>"Mmm," he muttered, his voice no louder than a whisper. "Thanks for the pillow, Meemaw."<p>

Amy's eyes fluttered open at the noise and she stared down at the semi-conscious Sheldon who hadn't yet gone into self-protection mode.

"My noggin's sore, Meemaw," he mumbled, nuzzling rather forcefully into Amy's shoulder. "Can you sing to me?"

Amy fell silent. Drat. Sing what, exactly?

Haltingly and in an artificially high voice, Amy began to sing rather off-key. "_Frère Jacques, frère Jacques,_ _Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?"_

Suddenly Sheldon raised his body from Amy's shoulder and sat up on his side of the bed, rubbing his shut eyes with his fists.

"Soft kitty!" he exclaimed poutily, still rubbing his eyes. Amy nearly stopped breathing. Was that his pet name for his Meemaw? Strange…

"Meemaw, we're both well-aware that your grasp of French is _exécrable_…" Suddenly his eyes opened and he turned to focus on the source of the French lullaby. Inconceivable. He blinked rapidly and rubbed his eyes once more to see the same visage. "Amy Farrah Fowler?"

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><p>Sheldon had awoken to Amy Farrah Fowler in his bed. Amy found herself stammering at Sheldon's shocked gaze, as he croaked out her name. She had to explain this, or all would be lost.<p>

"I—I came to check—"

"I remember now," he asserted, pointing at her. "You got me drunk and now I have the worst hangover headache. Ugh, I must have the alcohol dehydrogenase levels of an Asian teetotaler," he said, clutching the back of his skull. Haltingly he clambered out of bed and stood facing Amy, who sat on her side of the bed.

"No I didn't, Sheldon," she said in a calming tone. "I poured approximately 1 mil of my 80 proof bourbon into an approximately 400 milliliter drink. So essentially you consumed 0.5 mils of alcohol. Not nearly enough to induce inebriation."

"Then how did we end up… sleeping together?" he sputtered.

"I came in to check on you, and your body trapped me here."

"W-what?" he sputtered. "Impossible."

"Sheldon," she reassured him. "It happened. As you can see, I'm still here."

Now his face was stark white and his jaw hung open, his eyes set and focused on something indistinct.

"Impossible," he muttered unblinkingly. "I am far too evolved to partake in such… folly."

Just what did he mean by folly, anyway? Amy was just as unrehearsed as Sheldon in the world of sexuality to understand exactly what was happening here. She equated sleeping together to just that, sleeping together, whereas Sheldon had already made the connection to intercourse. Certainly Howard Wolowitz was most likely responsible for Sheldon's understanding of idioms that he'd never have learned on his own. Amy did not pick up on this.

"Certainly you've done this before," she responded cheerily. "For one, you called me Meemaw."

His eyes went wide with horror.

"Oh Lord, you've gotta be kidding me," he deadpanned, his Texas drawl suddenly very thick.

"Nope," she said with a smile.

"And that didn't… bother you?" he replied, staring uneasily at her.

"No, in fact I thought it was rather sweet."

Sheldon nearly felt faint, and could only stare at her with his mouth open. This was sick and wrong. Sometimes he hated being part of the human race. This was one of those times. His heart pounded in his ears at a deafening volume.

"I have to admit that I really enjoyed sleeping with you," she replied, shrugging. "Although you presumably weren't fully conscious when you invited me to stay, you inherently know what you're doing." With that, she winked at him.

"I do?" he asked, his face twisted with confusion. It was then that he looked down at his clothes, which were fully intact but were sadly not the pajamas he normally wore. This certainly had been an impromptu sleepover.

"Yes. I am putty in your hands," Amy admitted, bowing her head to him.

"Are you lying to me, Amy Farrah Fowler?" he asked her, narrowing his eyes. "My clothes are wholly intact."

She blinked with confusion. "Of course they are intact. What do you take me for, some kind of blanket yanker?"

"Blanket yanker? I don't want to know…"

"But I'm not lying to you, Sheldon. The proof is in the pudding. For instance, we are both still here."

Sheldon fidgeted nervously.

"I guess what I'm asking is… how was I?" he inquired.

"The best," she admitted, nodding her head excitedly. "Not to wax poetic with Barry White but you are my first, my last, my everything."

"If I was not drunk, as you claim, why am I not able to remember this… occasion?"

"You were unconscious," she said matter-of-factly, still unable to pick up on any insinuation that he meant anything but sleep.

"I was _what_?" Now he was blinking rapidly, his right eye twitching ever so slightly.

"Unconscious, for the most part," she repeated. She thought of his hand, of his cute little motions and noises during the night. "A squeeze here and there, a little moan or nuzzle, but more than likely your brain never registered."

"Well, that explains it," he muttered dryly. "My higher brain function would have never allowed me to do that."

"I know, and I'm sad for you," she replied, "because it was the best night of my life."

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><p><strong>AN: Please review! I need all the encouragement/feedback/comments I can get, because the next chapter is yet unwritten! Especially if you like this story enough to favorite it or want to be alerted to the next chapter, please review!**


	6. The IQ Loss Phenomenon

**A/N: Thank you to all the swell people who read/reviewed/alerted. I especially thank lizzyleefree for her comments, great points which I tried to justify in this chapter. And to answer your question, yes, Sheldon believes he had sex with Amy, albeit while unconscious.**

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><p>CHAPTER – The IQ Loss Phenomenon<p>

Last night had been the best night of Amy Farrah Fowler's life, courtesy of Sheldon Lee Cooper, and yet he could not remember a thing. All he knew was that what had occurred was something extraordinary, for here he was, in his street clothes, more interested in finding out the details of the evening before than he was over this unbelievable fashion faux pas.

Was he truly unconscious during the entire encounter? Or had he suffered memory loss as a result of banging his head on the bathroom floor? How could Amy have let this happen to him?

Sheldon pulled himself out of bed, rubbing the back of his head with his hand. The pain was intense, reminiscent of one particular swirly in which the bully had caused him to strike his skull on the toilet bowl before the inevitable germ invasion.

"Your thesis is in neurobiology, is it not?" Sheldon remarked, causing Amy to do a double-take. It was quite an odd question to follow such an important revelation.

"Correct," she answered.

"Then how is it that you allowed me to sleep, knowing full well that I could have suffered a concussion?" he said, his tone more of a statement than a question. She was taken aback. "I could have slipped into a coma and you would have been helpless to stop it."

"As a matter of fact, I watched you for more than an hour after you fell asleep, for one," she began. "And I was here with you in case any complications would have arisen. I'm not a medical doctor, nor will I pretend to know what they know."

"Some help a Ph.D. in the biological sciences is," he scoffed. "I can't believe I left myself completely at your mercy," he muttered, shaking his head. His brain toggled over to the nagging thoughts about his non-pajamas and all intelligent conversation was sloughed away. "I need to change my clothes," he stated. "Would you drive me back over to my apartment?"

* * *

><p>"Care to stay over tonight?"<p>

Sheldon could only stare at Amy from his position in the passenger seat of her car. Suddenly his ears felt unseasonably warm. Must be due to the concussion, he supposed.

"What do you mean?" Sheldon queried. "As you are well-aware, I do laundry at 8:15 pm, and afterward, I—"

"I can pick you up after you've had sufficient time to finish your chores," she interrupted.

"What about our Skype sessions?"

"I think I prefer last night to every one of those put together," she admitted.

Sheldon's eyes moved to the car window, which overlooked the parking lot of his apartment complex. There was not much to see to convince Amy that he was sufficiently distracted. A squirrel briefly made an appearance, and then ran behind a dumpster. Drat.

This was not supposed to happen. Sheldon's life had reached a pleasant homeostasis in these past months with Amy and now it was tilting in the direction of Doc Ock's failed fusion experiment.

"I in fact was quite satisfied with our relationship twenty-four hours ago," Sheldon began. "Let us suppose for a moment that we both fell and suffered concussions yesterday morning and forgot everything since that point." A twisted little grin played at the corner of his mouth. "Let's role-play, as it were."

"God, you are such a tease," Amy sighed. "But last night changed things. You can't deny it. You can see how different I feel."

"As a matter of fact, I can't see how you feel," he retorted. "That's like hearing how you look or seeing how you smell. Please don't tell me you are undergoing the IQ loss phenomenon like Leonard did."

"You are being rather insensitive," Amy grumbled, crossing her arms. "You've made me very happy and now you're seeking to take that away from me."

"I would never try to do that," he replied. "I'm simply encouraging you to forget that it ever happened."

"Well, you didn't seem too bothered by it earlier!" she cried. "You can't... just change your mind!"

"I was under the impression that you knew as well as I did that what happened was an isolated incident, occurring at the frequency of Halley's Comet being visible to earth."

She squinted at him, not understanding.

"Which is…"

"Once every seventy-six years. So don't ask me to do it again."

"What about next weekend?" she pleaded. "Just one night?"

"No."

"Next month?"

"What part of seventy-six years don't you understand?" he explained, blinking rapidly. "Be satisfied that you were able to do with me what I never supposed myself capable of doing." Suddenly he froze. "Wait—what about my sperm?"

Amy made a face of confusion and mild disgust.

"What _about_ your sperm?"

He blinked arrogantly.

"Did you set up this entire event merely to gain access to my superior gametes? I might warn you that it is entirely possible that my spermatozoa are in fact the derivation of the _Homo novus_ species, and thus will not be compatible with your ovum."

Amy was livid. She had always supposed that they were generally equals in terms of both intelligence and desirability. She did not take lightly his accusation of her utter desperation for his seed. How would that have worked anyway? If she'd tried to extract that... substance during his sleep, he certainly would have awoken. Did the man never think his many inane hypotheses over before blurting them out?

"Are you kidding me?" she responded, her voice steadily rising in volume. "What do you take me for, Sheldon? Give me a break!"

"A simple question," he asked. lifting his eyes to meet hers. She was glaring at him openly. "So—did you?"

"No!" she spat, totally disgusted. He'd crossed a line she hadn't realized existed. "You know what? Just get out of the car. For as smart as you think you are, you know nothing about an awful lot of stuff."

"Now you're sounding like Penny," Sheldon muttered. "Please don't remind me of what happens to the speech patterns of overly amorous females."

"Just… go, Sheldon," she grumbled. "For as evolved as you think you are, you're just like all of Penny's exes. All you think about is yourself."

Now Sheldon was pouting, his lip sticking out.

"You take that back."

"No. If you don't get out now, I'll consider you to be worse than them."

"That's impossible," Sheldon replied with an eye roll. But still he opened the car door and got out.

Before Sheldon could even shut the door, Amy put the car into drive and sped off, inducing a high-pitched squeal from her tires. At the same time, the passenger door slammed shut as she jammed on the gas pedal.

"You could've done that just as effectively at uniform acceleration!" Sheldon shouted after her. His comment was not heard.

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><p><strong>AN: The fanfiction site again messed with my last chapter posting by making it available on email to you story alerters but neglecting to include it on the site. It put the story at the top of the list in terms of update, but it did not include the new chapter. As such, I can see a corresponding minor yet significant lag in readership/reviewership. Please let me imagine that the decrease in reviewers is their fault and not my own by reviewing this time!**


	7. The Hypothetical Question

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews/story alerts, etc! And thanks for following along! I'm sorry for taking a while to update!**

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><p>CHAPTER 7: The Hypothetical Question<p>

"There you are! I was about to call the police," Leonard said, at seeing Sheldon enter the door of the apartment in precisely the same clothes he had worn the day before. "Oh, and Dr. Who sends his regards."

"Looks like you're taking the walk of shame," Howard commented with a sneer and a little laugh.

Sheldon flashed him a look of pure vitriol. A look that signified that the comment might not be totally incorrect.

Suddenly Howard froze mid-laugh. "Wait—_you_?"

Raj could only stare.

"Where were you?" Leonard asked, squinting at his tall roommate.

Sheldon twitched.

"You of all people in this room know exactly that," he remarked, clearly not amused. He began to stride towards the rear of the apartment, only to be bombarded with more banal questions.

"Wait—you stayed at Amy's last night?" Leonard queried. "I thought she was mad at you."

"Well, you thought wrong. That being said, where else did you expect me to stay? In an animal shelter?" Shelton muttered. "Now, if you'll excuse me, two showers and changes of clothes are in order."

"Two?" Howard remarked. "Oh, she's _that_ bad, is she. Or, is she that _good_?"

"Frankly, I don't know," Shelton spat. And with that he slammed the door to his bedroom.

* * *

><p>"Now, what was all that about?" Raj asked his two friends. "What doesn't he know?"<p>

"As soon as he's done with his little routine, we're gonna find out," Howard replied.

"Huh. Well, he already skipped his whole morning cereal-Dr. Who schedule," Leonard commented. "Unless did it at Amy's house."

"From what I gather, that wasn't what he was doing at Amy's," Howard stated matter-of-factly. "It sounds to me like she was mad at him and they had make-up sex."

"Please don't put that image in my head, Howard," Leonard commented. He looked down at his watch. "We were supposed to leave at 10 am, and already it's noon," Leonard grumbled. "Doesn't he remember that we were going to see the new Avengers film during the matinee? By the time he gets done with his tasks, it'll be dinnertime."

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><p>Upon returning to her apartment, Amy Farrah Fowler went to her bedroom and threw the bedcovers onto the floor.<p>

How could Sheldon be content with sleeping next to her once in a lifetime? Did this have to do with his resistance to physical contact or was this related to his inability to trust her around his gonads? She didn't deserve a lifetime of cold, empty beds.

She reached into her nightstand and pulled out the relationship agreement. Only last night Sheldon had threatened to terminate the relationship, much to her dismay, and now she was considering the very same action.

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><p>"Sheldon, let's get going or we're going to miss the cheap tickets!" Leonard exclaimed, knocking on the bathroom door. His tall roommate had made an impressive beeline for the room, not even stopping to adjust his course. There hadn't been time to accost him in the hallway with more questions.<p>

"Did I not made it abundantly clear in the roommate agreement that you are not to speak to me through the bathroom door?" Sheldon retorted.

"C'mon, I've got some questions I'm just itching to ask you," Howard chimed in.

"Just… go on without me," Sheldon muttered, ignoring Howard's voice. "The level of hygiene I need will require at least another twenty minutes."

"What would make you so unhygienic, Sheldon?" Howard questioned. "If it's Amy's bodily fluids you're trying to wash off, you'd be stupid to do so."

Silence answered the statement. Howard covered his mouth to prevent his snicker from emerging.

"Hypothetically… why would it be stupid?" Sheldon finally asked.

"I knew it!" Howard whispered, to watch Howard and Raj simultaneously grimace. "It was only a matter of time before they did the nasty."

"Dude, that's nasty to even imagine," Raj muttered, shaking his head. "Now, if it were Captain America and whoever, that would be far better to digest."

"I don't wanna know," Howard whispered, pushing Raj away a step or so. Now was his chance to confirm what he already suspected very strongly.

"Sheldon, did you and Amy finally score?" Howard shouted out.

"I don't play sports," Sheldon said with a click of the tongue followed by a sigh.

"No—sex!" Howard corrected quickly.

"What is it with all the parallels between sex and sports?" Sheldon replied. "They are wholly divergent in every way possible. The correlations are at best perfunctory."

Of course it was a roundabout answer, one of the many ways Sheldon steered away from conversation involving any kind of human emotions or exchanges.

Suddenly Penny entered the apartment, to see Leonard, Raj, and Howard at the bathroom door.

"Hey guys!" she said brightly, only to be shushed by Leonard.

"So, are you gonna answer my question or are you gonna dodge it?" Howard asked, facing the bathroom door. "I doubt you'd like me to compare your life to the game of dodgeball, am I right?"

There was a thoughtful silence on the other side of the frosted glass door.

"Come on, Sheldon," Leonard called out. "We're all friends here."

Penny couldn't help but approach the door as well, her brow twisted with confusion. Before she could open her mouth to speak, she again saw Leonard indicating that she was to stay silent.

"Well, since she'll be blurting it at a moment's notice, I may as well be the first to tell you," Sheldon murmured, his voice muffled by the sound of the shower water. "Amy Farrah Fowler and I engaged in coitus last night."

"Oh my God!" Penny screeched. She pushed herself up against the door, hopping up and down with excitement. Suddenly she stopped jumping. "Wait, this isn't a joke like it was last time—right? You know, you and Amy going all the way—Amy carrying your child…"

"Damn it, who let Penny in?" was all Sheldon could utter. "And to address what will ultimately be a persisting query, no, this is not a joke."

"Congrats, sweetie!" Penny cried. "I knew you guys had that chemistry."

"What, did they take a class together?" Leonard muttered, looking mildly revolted. "Because I never saw it."

"So, how was it?" Penny asked.

"Kindly refrain from asking me questions while I am showering," Sheldon demanded. "I had figured that admitting it would cause you all to lose interest and go about your day."

"It has in fact _piqued_ our interest," Howard said smilingly. "You don't need to spare any details—just try not to talk about what you did."

"Go away!" Sheldon shouted. "Or I will be compelled to never utter another word about it! I'm warning you!"

Penny accompanied the boys as they proceeded to grab their supplies and hastily depart from the apartment.

"Would you like to join us to watch the new Avengers movie?" Leonard asked earnestly. "We were going to head out earlier but Sheldon's sleepover went far longer than I would have ever imagined."

"I can't," she replied. "I'm going to be meeting Bernadette for lunch at two. But aw, that's so sweet," she muttered dreamily to herself.

"Are you saying Bernadette tastes sweet? Don't I know it!" Howard commented. Penny rolled her eyes with disgust.

"It's sweet that Sheldon doesn't kiss and tell—that's more than I can say for you, Howard."

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><p><strong>AN: Please review, especially if this story is good/interesting/curious enough to warrant a story/author alert! You know who you all are! In fact, seeing a review compels me to write, whereas a story alert is more of a reader's complete acceptance that an author will take a long time to update. You can all increase my update frequency with your reviews, both negative and positive!**


	8. The Social Discussion

**A/N: Thank you everyone for your thoughtful and encouraging feedback! And thank you to those who 'favorited' this story or signed up for story alert! Believe me when I say that your encouragement has made writing far easier! My other stories went for months between chapter updates, and with this lovely stream of reviews, it takes me about a week to post a new chapter! **

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><p>This was Penny's shining moment to do something about the crescendo of discomfort she had been feeling around Amy Farrah Fowler. Finally Amy had gone through the heterosexual rite of passage that had eluded her until now. Even so, Amy and Sheldon's relationship was made infinitely more complicated and Penny now had to ensure that (1) the activity continue and most especially (2) that the couple stay together.<p>

In the past several months, Amy had become a kind of girl Howard to Penny, one that she felt sorry for and thus prevented the formulation of a sour retort. The never-ending comments about her body, her skin, her hair, were disturbing, exacerbated by the fact that Penny believed Sheldon to be incapable of ever evolving past his childlike view of the world—a world that did not include sex. Thus, Amy would be stuck in this 'girl crush' limbo indefinitely.

"What time does the movie start?" Penny asked the boys, as they stood by the bathroom door, waiting for Sheldon to emerge.

"Twelve thirty," Leonard replied, looking at his watch. "We're never gonna make it if we have to wait for Sheldon."

"Which is why you should go now," Penny replied with false enthusiasm, throwing up her arms. "Besides, you've probably been planning this for weeks!"

"What wasn't planned was Sheldon giving up his V-card," Howard sniggered. "Way more interesting than Black Widow mugging for the camera."

"What do you think, Raj?" Penny asked the Indian astrophysicist as she touched his shoulder, knowing he couldn't formulate a verbal reply.

He could only give her a look of helplessness, shrugging and lifting his eyebrows.

"Give Sheldon some time to think," Penny suggested. "It's like a buck during hunting season. If you want to learn his agenda, it has to be done with no pressure."

Certainly Sheldon heard that with his Vulcan hearing, but he said nothing. Any excuse not to be bothered was good enough for him. Even if he was being compared with a prey animal.

"So you're saying Sheldon is like a deer," Howard said, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "You're right." Penny smiled, but Howard continued. "You know, I _have_ considered shooting him—the North Pole trip comes to mind."

"Hey!" Sheldon squealed. "Was it not horrific enough that you caused me to in essence forge data on magnetic monopoles, in addition to deeply damaging my credibility?"

Howard grinned, shifting from one foot to another.

"No, actually."

"Penny's right," Leonard muttered, trying to break up the impending debate. "We should get to the movie, or else we're gonna miss out on the acoustic sweet spot."

"Anyway, congrats, Sheldon," Howard said. Rajesh whispered into his ear. "Koothrappali says best wishes for your future… oh, and that he wished he could've watched."

Rajesh could only gape at Howard angrily. He whispered into his ear to refute the last point.

Penny sighed and strode towards the door. "I'll let you speak, Raj. But really, you guys, leave Sheldon alone, okay?" she requested. "Just think of your first times. Would you want to be hounded like this?"

"I _was_ hounded," Howard muttered, as Penny closed the door behind her. "Barely escaped the cops by the skin of my teeth. I saw Fantasy's mugshot on the news the next day."

"Wait-was she a prostitute?" Rajesh queried, once Penny was out of sight.

"When you put it like that, you make it sound like a bad thing," Howard replied, fidgeting. "Let's face it, I didn't have the natural charm and sexiness I exude today. I needed… practice."

"Alright, guys," Leonard interrupted, corralling his friends and moving them towards the door. "We'll be back later, Sheldon!" he called out towards the bathroom.

"By all means, take your time!" Sheldon called back.

* * *

><p>When Sheldon finally emerged from the bathroom, he expected an ambush. For Wolowitz to jump out from behind the couch. For Koothrappali to be searching for clues in his bedroom. And for Leonard to egg the pair on. However, he could see that everyone had actually heeded Penny's words and left.<p>

Sighing, he took his place on the couch and turned on the television. Within seconds, he heard a knocking at the door. Drat. It _was_ a trap.

"Who is it?" he called out, irritated by the lack of privacy. Must he always be forced to cope with an incessant stream of human interaction?

"It's Penny," the voice answered. "Can I come in?

"I'm sure you _can_, but the question is if I _may_ let you do so," he snapped back.

Instead of speaking again to correct her linguistic error, Penny simply opened the door and walked into the apartment. She was dressed for lunch with Bernadette, but lunch was more than an hour away. She had to begin the process of helping Sheldon accept the act he'd done with Amy and then to continue performing that act to keep Amy's horniness under wraps. This was a difficult assignment, but she _was_ quite familiar with the experience.

"Excuuuse me," Sheldon said, standing up, "but I didn't grant you passage."

"Well, lock your door next time," she replied, shrugging. "Anyway, I came by to see how you were doing." She moved towards him, touching him on the shoulder. "This is a big deal for you—was it your first time?"

"It's just CNN," he muttered, glancing over at the television. "Though I am not wont to view the programming, it happened to be the—"

"I mean… with Amy, Sheldon!" Penny blurted, throwing her hands in the air. "Geez!"

"Why do you care?" he questioned, watching her like a cat.

"The truth? Because she's my friend."

"Likely," he deadpanned. "Have you spoken to your so-called bestie yet about this?" He glanced at his watch. "It _has_ been an hour and fifteen minutes since she dropped me off."

"No."

"Friend indeed," he said with a conceited humph.

Amy was her friend, but this would turn into a long, drawn out argument if she was to belabor the point.

"Fine, you win," Penny sighed. "I ask because by showing her a good time, you can get rid of her… girl crush on me."

"Girl crush?" he queried, blinking confusedly. "What are you talking about?"

"It doesn't matter," Penny muttered, shaking her head. "Just—take care of her, alright? And if you haven't read that book we got you, you really ought to now."

"Perhaps I should," he admitted, grimacing. "Yes, that is a viable option for today."

"If you don't mind me asking," Penny began, moving in closer to him, her stature tentative, "how _did_ it go?"

She saw Sheldon's shoulders rise and fall, his eyes set on something in the distance.

"I don't remember," he said quietly, his neck reddening as he spoke.

Penny could only stare at him in shock.

"Were you drunk?"

"I was at first made to believe that I was, but alas, Amy admitted that she had lied to me about that."

"Okay?" Penny was clearly lost. Sheldon thus clarified.

"Evidently I hit my head, which apparently jarred my hippocampus in some way. I don't remember doing that either."

"I'm assuming Amy filled you in on the details, am I right?"

"What I could stomach, yes," he murmured, looking down. "Don't you have a lunch to attend?"

"You just… seem, I dunno, _off_ to me, Sheldon. I can cancel lunch if you want to talk about it."

"There is nothing to talk about. Not that I can remember, anyway. Go with Bernadette."

"If you ever want to talk—"

"I shall inform you immediately if the need should ever arise," Sheldon interrupted. "But don't hold your breath, Penny," he stated. He skipped a beat before speaking again. "Well, you should go. No need for you to be late for lunch."

"I don't have to meet her for another hour and fifteen minutes. I can stay here with you until then," she offered.

"Great," he muttered, rolling his eyes. "What help are you gonna be?"

"As a matter of fact, I know a little bit about what you did," she replied, trying to keep her tone as shy as possible in spite of the meaning of her statement.

"Literally? Wait—does Amy have some sort of camera contraption in her bedroom?" he blurted, standing up awkwardly. "That makes an awful lot of sense. She does need to keep an eye on that smoking primate of hers."

Penny laughed.

"Smoking primate?" she began. "You mean, you?"

He could only stare at her with befuddlement and instantly she was aware that using any words to describe sexual attractiveness were forever lost on Sheldon Cooper.

"Although I am a primate, I in fact do not smoke and never have. You, more so than Wolowitz and Koothrappali, are well-aware of this fact. For one, it would waft from under-"

"Never mind," Penny muttered.

"I am speaking of a smoking monkey Amy keeps for her neurobiology studies," Sheldon clarified. Suddenly he gulped. "Oh Lord—what if it watched?"

Penny shrugged good-naturedly.

"Well, it can't say anything to anyone, now, can it?"

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><p><strong>AN: Thank you everyone for your reviews! And please, if you really like this story or see potential to like it someday, leave a review!**


	9. The Commensalism Conjugation

**A/N: Hey everyone, I had an A/N at the end of the previous chapter that seemed to scare one of the readers. In case there were others who felt the same way, no need to worry—this story is 100% SHAMY! I realize the dichotomy in the BBT reading audience now, which is a relief. If you were disgusted by the last chapter, please read this chapter before you completely give up on me!**

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><p>CHAPTER 9: The Commensalism Conjugation<p>

Leonard, Rajesh, and Howard drove in stunned silence to the theater. They were still digesting the idea of Sheldon losing his virginity to a real live human woman.

"Why'd you lie about your first sexual experience?" Rajesh asked the Jewish engineer after they'd pulled out onto the road. "We all know you lost your virginity to your cousin at a funeral."

Howard sighed as if it were the most obvious answer in the world.

"It's incest," Howard admitted matter-of-factly. "C'mon, let's face it, Penny would never look at me the same way again."

"And you think losing it to a prostitute is more socially acceptable?" Leonard admitted, squinting at Howard in the rear view mirror.

"Kind of sad, isn't it?" Rajesh said with a shrug. "Sheldon's first time was better than yours."

Howard was not swayed.

"Perhaps in a social context it was, but I'll bet it was a hundred times more awkward and strange."

"Dude, that was your cousin!" Rajesh groaned.

"What can I say? The combination of death and pickled herring make people do crazy things…."

"What I don't get is, how did you come up with that story so quickly?" Leonard asked. "You know, the cops… a hooker named Fantasy… her mug shot?"

Howard blinked twice.

"Story?"

* * *

><p>"Friend indeed," Penny said with a smile, showing her ringing cell phone to Sheldon. "See—Amy's calling me."<p>

"Don't answer it!" Sheldon hissed, snatching the phone off of her. He held it at bay until the ringing ceased. In fact, he sat back down on the couch and smashed it between his hip and the arm of the couch.

"Why'd you do that?" she replied, her brow knotted with confusion. "Don't you think she wants to talk to her bestie?"

"Some bestie you are," Sheldon muttered with a scoff. "You admitted you only care because she has some kind of… what did you call it… a _girl crush_ on you."

"I was just trying to avoid an argument with you, Sheldon," Penny admitted with a sigh. "Of course she's my friend. But I will admit, some of the comments she makes can be… well, odd."

"However, you fail to realize," Sheldon explained, holding a finger in the air, "she's with me. She and I… slept together. Therefore, she is decidedly not interested in you. Besides, brains are more her thing, anyway." He ended his spiel with a little grin. "I hope that clarifies things for you."

Penny was astonished by Sheldon's admission. It was one of the boldest statements he had made concerning his relationship with the brunette neurobiologist. Clearly he was not swayed or bothered by any of Amy's sometimes off-the-wall statements concerning her.

"Well, if you're so _together_, why don't you want her to talk to—"

"I allowed the phone to go to voicemail because as your neighbor, it is only fitting that I provide my side of the situation first. Bestie status aside, you have known me longer."

"So what _is_ your side of the situation?" Penny asked, crossing her arms. "I thought I'd heard it. You said you couldn't remember. End of your story, right?"

Sheldon fidgeted, his face conveying discomfort.

"Well, Amy indicated to me that she wished to do it again," he murmured, his eyes trained on the floor.

"That's a good sign, Sheldon!" Penny said cheerily, giving him a celebratory clap on the back. "It means that she had a good time."

"I informed her that it would not happen," he continued. "She seemed to… want me to promptly exit her vehicle after this admission. Then, once I'd exited the car, she left without saying anything more. I think that indicates very strongly that she reneged on her earlier request." A very little smile emerged on his face. "So I in fact restored the relationship to its previous comfort zone. What occurred between me and her last night is inconsequential and so this is the last it shall be mentioned." He shifted on the couch, a dismissive air to his tone. "Enjoy lunch with Bernadette."

Penny almost swallowed her tongue. She knew Sheldon to be resistant to change, but to immediately reject Amy was quite possibly the death-knell for their relationship. Surely Amy had her standards to uphold and such a thoughtless rejection was enough to send her over the edge.

Penny's phone buzzed. It was a text message.

"Lemme see that," Penny said, reaching for the phone. "That was a text. I have to see who it's from."

Sheldon picked up the phone but first glanced down at the screen to see the contents of the text.

_Hey Bestie. Got some bad news. Looks like I'll b single soon . Call me_

As he internalized the message, Sheldon began blinking rapidly, his brow knotted with concern. He simply stared at the text as Penny carefully leaned over and read it.

"Oh my God," she muttered. This couldn't be happening. Was sex really too much for Sheldon and Amy to handle? Penny had figured that because of their established relationship, any awkwardness during or after the act would be glossed over with familiarity and friendship. But this, this was too much too soon. Neither Sheldon nor Amy had thought this out very well.

"Does this mean what I think it does?" Sheldon indicating, holding the phone up. "That Amy is going to terminate our relationship agreement?"

"Why?" Penny carefully replied. "Is that not what you want?"

"I don't want to end it with Amy," he replied, "I just don't want her to expect a repeat of what happened last night."

"That's an unspoken expectation in any relationship," Penny said as soothingly as possible. "Once you've crossed a bridge, there's no going back."

"There are no bridges on the way to Amy's apartment," Sheldon responded sternly. "And as for this _unspoken_ expectation, there is nothing of the sort included in the relationship agreement."

"Sweetie, that's why it's unspoken," Penny said, patting Sheldon's knee. "Just as Amy makes you happy in her ways, you have to make her happy."

"You mean, like give and take?" Sheldon queried. "That's not in the relationship agreement either. Therefore, it is not applicable."

"Well, unfortunately, Sweetie, you're gonna have to learn the hard way that _both_ people have to give something to the relationship. Otherwise, only one person would be reaping all the benefits."

"You mean, like commensalism? I like commensalism," Sheldon admits, more to himself than to Penny. "If anything, it's better than parasitism."

"What is that?"

"Please, spare me from your ignorance," Sheldon muttered. He suddenly let out a sigh. "What am I going to do about Amy?"

"She's not going to be happy if you refuse what she's already gotten from you, you know," Penny stated. "Now that sex is on the table, it can't be taken off."

"Ugh, the table is where I _eat, _thank you very much. It was in the bedroom… I assume," Sheldon corrected, uncertainty in his voice. "I can't be expected to make this decision so hastily. Besides, I know nothing about what I did."

"Well, why don't you spend the afternoon reading that book we got you?" Penny offered. "It'll explain a lot."

* * *

><p>Cross-legged on his bed, Sheldon stared wide-eyed at the pages in the book of reproduction purchased by his friends for his understanding. He stared at the picture of the missionary position, crudely drawn but clear in its intent.<p>

"Fascinating," he murmured. "But nothing I would do."

He closed the book and departed from the bed.

"It didn't happen," he told himself, completely resolute. "Maybe Amy needs to see this book to know what is actually involved in intercourse."

He stashed the book under an arm and continued to the living room. Quietly he took a seat at his laptop and instantly went to the Skype icon.

Desperate for answers, he Skyped Amy.

He waited, stared at the screen to change, for her face to appear. Nothing.

Drat. Where was she? Was she tearing up the relationship agreement as he sat here, helpless to stop it?

He dug in his pockets to acquire his cell phone. Unlike when he'd first ended up in this mess, he decided to call her. The phone rang. And rang. And rang. Nothing.

The bus.

Ugh, not the bus.

* * *

><p><em>Knock knock knock<em>. "Amy."

_Knock knock knock._ "Amy."

_Knock knock knock_. "Amy."

There Sheldon stood in his bus pants, no less, at the door of Amy Farrah Fowler's apartment. The sex book was tucked inside his jacket. He wasn't about to make any life-altering decisions tonight or to relinquish his established roles and responsibilities outlined in the relationship agreement. He was just here for answers and clarification.

Then he considered—had Amy spoken to Penny during his bus trek? Would Penny be filling Amy's head with thoughts of mutualism, of equal give and take? Further pushing her towards a kind of feminism? It was almost too much to bear. All that met him behind the door was a wall of acoustic music, a sad piano riff.

"Amy Farrah Fowler, I know you're in there," he remarked, his tone cranky. No response again! He wasn't about to risk death again on the bus. The odds were astronomical that he'd pick up some kind of viral infection on the late-night hobo-infested bus route. He would simply have to sit in this hallway until his girlfriend opened the door.

* * *

><p>Amy had spent the morning listening to the saddest music she thought possible. Evanescence was dark enough, yes, but not self-pitying enough. Oasis was self-pitying but with a garbled message and male vocals. Who could she relate to in her sorrow?<p>

Adele.

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you," she cried out, sitting on the edge of her bed, fingering through the relationship agreement. _Rolling In The Deep_ would come later. The stages of grief were nigh. Now it was pain and guilt, and perhaps a little of stage 4, loneliness. Anger and bargaining would come later.

"Damn it, I can _hear_ you in there, you know!" Sheldon yelled, his voice surprisingly high-pitched. Apparently he was already at the anger stage. But… would he bargain?

She let the music play and sauntered to the door.

"Guess you heard," she said to the door. "Why are you here?"

"Guess I heard what?" he spat. "I need you to specify—but only after you open the door."

"Maybe I don't want to," she replied, crossing her arms.

"Come on, Amy, this hallway smells like mildew. My nasal passages are in the midst of an assault."

"They can join my heart, then!" she blurted. She shut her mouth, but it was too late. Now Sheldon could know the extent of what he'd done to her.

"What?"

Or not.

Sheldon stood blinking in front of the door. Amy's heart? Was she having a heart attack? The thought greatly frightened him.

"Are you alright?" he asked, his voice extremely softened. "Amy, please let me come in."

Finally the door opened and Sheldon took in the view of Amy Farrah Fowler. Her hair was askew and her eyes and nose were puffy and red. Instantly his eyes narrowed suspiciously. Sullenly, she shut the door behind him and walked towards the center of the living room.

"Have you been crying?" he asked her, eighty percent sure that she had been doing so.

"Of course I have, Sheldon," she admitted. "And why shouldn't I?"

There was a pause in which Sheldon was expected to speak. He did not know what to say.

"Good question," he asked. "_Why_ shouldn't you?" he asked her, completely oblivious to all this.

Her eyes welled up with tears again and he knew he'd said something wrong. He didn't like seeing Amy this way.

"What did I say?" he sputtered. "Don't… don't cry, Amy."

"I don't know how to say this; therefore, I will have to utilize my note cards." With that, Amy pulled out several white cards from a pocket and read from them, keeping her eyes on the cards and only glancing up briefly to look at Sheldon. "Dear Sheldon, I'm sorry but the current trajectory of our relationship is far below ideal," she recited, sniffling as she spoke. "This was a very difficult decision but I think it's for the best." Awkwardly, she held out her hand. "I hope we can be friends."

Sheldon did not shake her hand. Instead he pondered how to change the subject. Clearly he wasn't succeeding at this conversation. Amy was on her way to terminating their relationship agreement without so much as a peep from him, an action he would _not_ abide.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The story is almost finished! Please review, because there aren't many more chances for you to do so!**


	10. The Tome of Fornication

**A/N: I apologize thoroughly for the lengthy time between updates! This past Friday, I left my old job and then I began my new job on Monday, so it's been a bit hectic and crazy trying to get used to doing something very different! I sure hope you guys haven't forgotten about this story and that you will review! There are dozens of story alert subscribers so I hope I get some feedback!**

**Also, I don't think this story is as short as I claimed before! There is more time! But still, review as if it's your last chance!**

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><p>CHAPTER 10 – The Tome of Fornication<p>

* * *

><p>Sheldon's mind stirred long before his lips could. Amy Farrah Fowler had spoken those immortal words society had instructed the dumper utter: "I hope we can be friends."<p>

Not that he would know anything about that, other than the bits and pieces of shattered relationships he'd pick up from his friends. He himself had never been dumped.

"An odd sentiment, that is," he finally croaked, after finding his voice, "_I hope we can be friends_. For although you are preempting fate by hastening the end of the relationship, the statement 'I hope' indicates a rather bold assumption that fate will once again take over."

"It is in fact quite possible we could be friends after this," Amy murmured. "Look at Penny and Leonard."

"Pish-posh," Sheldon spat dismissively. "Leonard is in fact merely biding his time until Penny once again finds herself inexplicably drawn to his self-effacing charm. Not only that, but they live across the hall from one another and must interact in the laundry room, by the mailboxes, and in the stairwell. Convenience plays a large role in her retaining Leonard as a friend."

"I see," Amy stated, attempting to disguise her obvious hurt. "So you would not linger in the hope that we would once again resume our relationship. It is unfortunately as I suspected, which only serves to strengthen my assertion that this relationship has met its end."

Sheldon watched Amy as her eyes begin to well up with tears. He absolutely hated conflict, and he especially hated seeing females cry. He couldn't drown her out with a blender full of ice, because the conflict and hurt on her face was purely visual. Amy Farrah Fowler certainly wasn't making this visit easy on him. He had to know something in particular before he could completely refute her tired argument with solid fact.

"I brought a book," Sheldon blurted, pulling the tome from inside his jacket. The cover was unremarkable.

"Already you want to act as if nothing has happened?" Amy asked, wiping her eyes. "Breaking up with you was more difficult than you can imagine."

"Completely understandable," he replied with unintentional arrogance. "I would go so far as to argue that it's preposterous to even consider such a thing," Sheldon replied matter-of-factly. "Now, before you assume that you have performed the break up with success, the relationship is only dissolved once we shake hands, and we have not. Your vague description about trajectory was not satisfactory in explaining the downfall. I simply want to gather facts before you render us hopeful friends."

"Fair enough," she admitted, attempting to hold her chin up.

Sheldon felt his ears heating up. This discussion would not be easy. Thank goodness for the book.

"I don't know how to say this, so I'm going to use visual aids," Sheldon indicated, swallowing loudly.

She nodded weakly.

With that, Sheldon flipped the book open to the page he'd dog-eared about the missionary position. Amy nearly fainted from the suddenness of the revelation. Sex? Intercourse? Who was this man in front of her who did this? Had she in essence broken Sheldon by ending their relationship?

When Amy finally opened her mouth to say something, Sheldon spoke instead, pointing at the man in the picture.

"I didn't do this, did I?" he asked her. "Because I just can't… see myself doing this."

"When?" she asked. "If you are referring to your existence before our first meeting, I can't vouch for that."

"Last night."

She felt her heart pause for a moment in utter confusion.

"Of course not."

He turned to the next page. Girl-on-top. He looked up at her.

"This one, then? Did we do this last night?"

He turned the page again. Yet another position.

Amy could only stare quizzically at the pictures he was presenting to her in such a strange fashion. These pictures were depicting sexual intercourse in a thankfully hand-drawn way. Why had he brought such a book? And why had he changed the pronoun from _I_ to _we_? That indicated that she was involved in some way.

She thought of her neurobiology background. A false memory. Surely Sheldon's prefrontal cortex activity was dampened as he recalled this non-event.

She cleared her throat before she spoke.

"Are you under the impression that we engaged in coitus last night? Because we most certainly did not."

It was now Sheldon's turn to stare at Amy, his mouth opening and closing with no words emerging. Several times he gulped audibly.

"What?" he sputtered. "But… but you said we did!"

She shook her head defiantly.

"No I didn't."

"Yes," he said, his eyes wide. "Yes, you did." He blinked indignantly, shutting the book with a thump. "Don't tell me you're drunk _again_…"

"When did I supposedly tell you this?"

"This morning!" He exclaimed. "When I woke up next to you!"

"I informed you that we slept together. How else can I say it?"

"But—that phrase is synonymous with coitus."

"Says you," Amy retorted. "I derive no higher meaning from it. We slept side by side in a single bed, ergo, we slept together."

Sheldon was again reduced to silence. So he wasn't going crazy. He knew that gut feeling when he saw the book, when he thought of his capabilities. He stared at her, relief flooding his veins and causing him to act impulsively.

He crossed the short distance between them and wrapped his arms around Amy Farrah Fowler, holding her tightly against him. She in turn hugged him back. Her trunk was touching his at all points, from their chests down to their pelvises. Had she felt him shudder in her arms?

Amy was almost reduced to a pile of quivering gelatin. Was Sheldon now attempting to initiate coitus? First the dirty pictures and now this—it was essentially, foreplay. Amy wisely bit her tongue.

"Thank you, Amy," Sheldon murmured ever so softly. "You don't know how happy you've made me."

"You're welcome?" she replied carefully, her voice strained because of the ironclad hug. So Sheldon was blissfully happy that they _hadn't_ had sex. Ouch.

The bridge of Adele's song blared out from the iPod dock. "_Nothing compares, no worries or cares…_"

Although his relief was great, Sheldon was now acutely aware of the swelling of Adele's voice from the speakers of the iPod dock. "Can you please turn down that racket?" he remarked, finally releasing her after a very long embrace. "I can feel my IQ declining with every uttered note."

"Of course," Amy replied in a surprisingly husky voice, hurrying off to her bedroom. Once the music was off, she returned to her living room to find Sheldon seated on her couch. He had asked his questions; now she would ask hers. Amy thought of the morning, of her request in the car that he had adamantly refused. Perhaps she and he had been thinking of different things. She cleared her throat, feeling her heart beating rapidly in her ears. Sheldon's answer could very well salvage what she had supposed was lost.

"This morning in the car, Sheldon, when you said you—"

"I was under the impression that we had had sex," he replied, having immediately picked up on the meaning of her sentence before it had completely emerged. This was quite a feat.

Amy sighed with relief, quickly stifling her smile so that she could question further.

"Now that you are aware that my request this morning was in actuality regarding sleeping in the same bed, would the outcome have been different?"

"By outcome, do you mean my response to your request?" he asked.

She could only nod her head, her throat suddenly bone dry. What would he say?

* * *

><p>"I wonder what Sheldon will do all day without us," Leonard murmured in the short period of silence following the barrage of previews at the movie theater.<p>

"Amy," Howard murmured with a smile.

"I haven't yet come to terms with this," Raj admitted. "I wish we could have had a proper discussion to fully comprehend what this means for our group. And now we are resigned to silence for the next two hours or so."

"It is a bit of a bummer," Howard remarked. "If we'd stayed at the apartment, we'd get to hear all about it."

"Assuming that Sheldon would actually admit to anything," Leonard replied. "Which I doubt."

"He said he didn't remember," Raj commented, "which could be a defense mechanism contrived to separate himself from the act. That and the showers."

"See? If we would have stayed we could have acted as his therapists!" Howard exclaimed. He was shushed by a pair of theater patrons seated directly in front of the group.

Rajesh looked thoughtful.

"Should we leave?"

"Are you kidding?" Leonard remarked. "At my pay rate, twelve dollars a seat is a binding contract!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I should be better with update frequency now that I'm settling in to my new job. Please provide me with any and all comments you have regarding this story! I need encouragement, because I haven't yet written the new chapter!**


	11. The Emergency Probation Derivation

**A/N: Getting used to my new job has taken some time! But I really am hoping to update more often now and I was encouraged by the Launch Acceleration episode! Thank you for all your feedback and concerns! It's really helped me!**

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><p>Chapter 11 - The Emergency Probation Derivation<p>

* * *

><p>"So," Amy began, her voice suddenly more gravelly than she would have wished, "now that there has been full disclosure of the activities of last night as well as of the substance of my request, what say you?"<p>

"Before I provide you with an answer to that, Amy, there are some contingencies and clarifications," Sheldon replied, not skipping a beat.

"Of course," she muttered, downtrodden. "And what would they be?"

"Clarification one: if we were to engage in mutual bed-sharing, where would it be taking place?"

Amy almost swallowed her tongue. Just to hear Sheldon Cooper say the phrase in his uptight legalese was enough to make her aware of her own respirations. She sucked in a quick breath before speaking.

"Pardon?"

"Oh, for heaven's sake; what I mean is… your place or mine?" Sheldon asked. He looked almost tantalizing, lounging comfortably on her couch. If she weren't so nervous, she could have easily hopped onto his lap and snogged him. Hopefully he would answer her soon with a definite yes; her loins couldn't wait much longer for some kind of satisfaction, quite possibly achieved by the simple verbal statement of a resounding _yes_ from Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper.

There was no time for contract-drafting and no time for defining specifics of the activity. A simple yes or no was what would have to suffice. She took a breath and prepared to refute his desire to delve into specifics. "The terms of the location of said mutual bed-sharing are wide open for discussion and are contingent upon your agreement to do so."

Sheldon frowned, disappointment readily apparent on his face. He looked much like a disappointed parent, and Amy could swear that she heard him _tsk_.

"Now, Amy, when entering into a new contract, both parties must understand completely the terms, exceptions and all information therein. You are well-aware of this, I'm sure."

"Well, I don't _see_ a contract," Amy replied matter-of-factly, taking a lazy glance around the room. It was an immediate mistake to even mention it.

"Fine," Sheldon huffed, "we'll just have to draft one."

Amy barely stifled a sigh of utter exasperation. Her buzz was fading quickly. This had to be resolved quickly—soon it would be an anticlimax, and that she wouldn't abide.

"Just a second, Sheldon," Amy interrupted, pointing at him, "are you saying you are agreeing to sleep with me?"

Sheldon blinked indignantly.

"I am not saying that; I am merely attempting to draw out the terms in the event that an agreement is made. One being the location of said activity, two being the frequency of said activity, three being the stipulations as to what is allowed and prohibited during said activity, four being—"

"Sheldon, just tell me: are you willing to do this or not?" Her expression made it clear that she meant business.

"Do you not want to follow the informed path?" Sheldon replied, ignoring her determined gaze. "For instance, being uninformed led us down a pathway of misinformation and got us into this pickle in the first place."

Amy grimaced, realizing what she had to do.

"I hate to do this, but I must bring out the big guns."

"And what would those be?"

"I in fact have it on good authority that you have slept with one or more persons, and most importantly, without a contract," Amy announced. "Does the North Pole sound familiar?"

Sheldon gulped.

"I never told you about that," he asked her, his voice wavering. His argument for total disclosure of all future actions had weakened by at least two orders of magnitude.

"I have my sources," Amy replied slyly. She counted off points on her fingers. "No contract, sleeping together, and interestingly enough, total nudity."

"You wouldn't expect _that_, would you?" he blurted.

"Which part?" she quickly replied.

"In case your source didn't fill you in, Amy, we were at the _North Pole_. Our heater broke. It was an emergency situation, which called for drastic measures. I am not ashamed of what needed to be done."

"Then why did you feel the need to justify your decision?" Amy countered. "If you are not ashamed of sleeping naked together with three other men, with no contract explaining the rights and obligations of each sleeper, then you should feel no shame sleeping with your girlfriend."

"But it's not an emergency," he ventured to say. "This is a deliberate choice."

"It is an emergency," Amy replied, her jaw set. "In case you've forgotten, several minutes ago I attempted to terminate our relationship, so this may as well be considered an emergency intervention. I need you to agree to this for both my personal happiness and for the continuance of our relationship. Otherwise, our next handshake may be our last."

"Well, when you put it that way," Sheldon began, pouting as he spoke. He paused for a second, grimacing. "Fine."

"Fine, what?" Amy's eyes practically bugged out of her head. The anticlimactic nature of his agreement was mind-boggling.

"Since this is considered to you to be a legitimate emergency, one instance of co-sleeping should be a fair intervention, wouldn't you agree?"

Biting her tongue was incredibly difficult to do at this point in time. However, Amy knew that it was the only way. Certainly once Sheldon had agreed to the single co-sleeping activity, all other activity would cease until an extremely restrictive agreement was drawn up on it.

"The nature of this emergency is more like relationship probation," Amy explained. "It cannot be solved with one isolated activity and must instead be a period of activities."

Sheldon sighed. Amy was just as good at debating as he was. How was this possible?

"How many would suffice?" he queried.

"Until the emergency relationship probation is resolved," Amy replied with a little smile. "A bonus being my driving you to work and picking you up from work every day."

"Is that right…." Sheldon began, putting his hand to his chin. Leonard was very often impossible to rouse and especially when Penny was cohabiting for the evening. Seeing Leonard and Penny naked once in a lifetime was one too many already. Sheldon stood up abruptly, his face solemn. "Agreed."

At that, Sheldon stuck out his hand to shake hers and looked directly at her as he did so, his expression unreadable. Amy did not immediately shake his hand and instead regarded him with displeasure.

"For starters, Sheldon, try to look happy about it," Amy sighed.

Sheldon gave her a boyish close-mouthed smile, which was met with a frown from his girlfriend. She sighed once again.

"You and I both know that's your koala face."

* * *

><p>"So glad we waited until after the credits," Howard said with a giggle.<p>

"Not one but two scenes of pure viewing pleasure," Raj added. "A perfect setup for the sequel."

"All I gotta say is: Hulk smash Loki," Howard sniggered.

"I just love that a physicist is the one to figure out how a physics-violating portal works," Leonard said with a smile. "So, what do you guys wanna do now? I have to admit that last restaurant scene got me a little hungry."

"Are you kidding?" Howard gasped. "I'm not hungry for food; I'm hungry for knowledge. Sheldon's probably still stuck at the apartment like a rat in a cage."

The two men looked at Raj expectantly.

"So I'm for going to a restaurant," Leonard began, "and Wolowitz wants to go back to the apartment. You have to break the tie, Raj."

"If it were my choice, I would go to a spa," the Indian replied with a nod. "My heels are so dry, they're cracking."

"Ugh, well, that's no help," Leonard said huffily. "Here, I'll put it this way—which desire is stronger, the desire to eat or the desire to talk to Sheldon?"

"Tough choice," Raj admitted, tilting his head studiously. "I thirst for information but I hunger for food."

"I'm taking that as a vote for me," Leonard announced. "So where does everyone want to eat?"

"You're seriously going to put us through that again?" Howard muttered. "Just decide for us, will ya?"

* * *

><p>"When does relationship probation begin?" Sheldon queried. "I would just like to be aware of my future sleeping arrangements so that my work attire and supplies are always kept with me."<p>

"It begins immediately," Amy stated clearly.

"I always do laundry on Saturday nights at 8:15," Sheldon replied, clearly anxious.

"Well, then, we shall sleep over at your apartment tonight," Amy said.

Immediately upon her assertion, Sheldon sighed with relief.

"What are we to do until then?"

Amy's eyes drifted to the nondescript book by Sheldon's side.

"I wouldn't mind going through the rest of that book you brought," Amy murmured, her eyes fixed on the tome.

"Really?" Sheldon queried. "Its prose is clearly targeted for laypeople and it completely lacks scientific explanation or mechanistic details."

"Indeed," she muttered. "The illustrations have a childish simplicity to them, which, considering the heavy subject matter, is quite troubling."

"I agree," Sheldon replied.

They paused for a moment, both staring at the book. After a minute or so, they looked at each other.

"Believe it or not, I know very little of coitus and all it entails," Amy stated, immediately blushing. "Would you mind teaching me what you've gathered from this book? I'd much rather hear it from your brilliant mind than from some proletarian."

Sheldon paused for a moment, clearly flattered.

"Speaking of proletarians," Sheldon began, "Penny didn't once explain this whole process to you? I would imagine that she and Wolowitz have several books' worth of material between them."

"Not a word," Amy solemnly replied, shaking her head. The statement was patently untrue but it had to be said for the furtherance of this conversation.

"Well, then…. Since you'll have to learn it some way, I suppose I ought to be the one to teach you," he said, his Texas drawl emerging. "Thankfully that Nebraskan fornicator hasn't poisoned your mind with what the uneducated call _dirty talk_."

"Hey, I resent that," Amy said. "I cannot abide you calling my bestie a fornicator."

"Well, she is," Sheldon said. "Penny fornicates—quite often in fact—sometimes several times a night. And that's with Leonard, so you can imagine how often she's fornicated with physically appealing men."

"Alright," Amy said with a sigh, "point taken. But with her incredible beauty and poise, what other choice does Penny have? That body was made to show off."

Sheldon recalled Penny's assertion of Amy's girl crush. Suddenly it occurred to him that Amy's most recent statements might be construed as such. He couldn't help but feel a little envy, and it tinted his words.

"Hmmm," he murmured, his voice a sing-song. "You seem rather enamored with Penny's figure but never speak of your own. Are you projecting yourself onto Penny with the idea that she fits a kind of implied feminine ideal?"

"Yes," Amy replied quickly, smiling as she nodded. "Not to mention that she's my bestie."

"Fascinating," Sheldon responded. "So it's not because you want to go through the steps in this book with her then, correct?"

With that he held up the sex book. Amy could only gape at him. She sighed tiredly.

"Sheldon, in case it has been made any bit unclear to you in my numerous rants and tirades over the past year or so, the only person I want to go through that book with, both literally and figuratively, is you. Now, shall we go through it figuratively? You are the mentor and I the protégée."

Sheldon looked at his watch as casually as possible. The eagerness with which she was associating with listening to him was unnerving, to say the least. Unnerving… and intoxicating.

"Yes, I suppose we ought to get started," he drawled. "I must confess, some of the descriptions in this book are vague at best." He paused for a moment, considering. "Perhaps I should print out Beverly's articles on coitus; that may be very helpful indeed in this lesson."

"Are you referring to Leonard's mother?" Amy answered. "Because if you are, I would rather you avoid all reference to her. The reason being, if I wanted her to teach me, I would have asked her. I want you… to teach me."

"I see. Well, you've given me quite a tall order," Sheldon admitted. "However, I am under the impression that it is I alone who can convey this… properly to you. Hmm, where shall I begin?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Review! It really helps me push forward! I want and need feedback! The next chapter will be quite interesting (Sheldon and Amy going through the book together). I'm sorry there hasn't been too much of the other people (Howard, Raj, Leonard, Bernadette, Penny), but they will come in later, don't worry! Oh, and by the way, review! **


	12. The Bacterial Transformation Digression

**A/N: Wow! You like me! You really like me! I hope you really like this chapter! Please let me know your thoughts! I wrote this all very quickly because of all the interest this has stirred up! I'm very happy!**

CHAPTER 12 – The Bacterial Transformation Digression

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><p>Penny sat across from Bernadette in the Szechuan Star. Immediately Bernadette could see that Penny had some news.<p>

"You look like you're ready to burst at the seams!" Bernadette exclaimed in her squeaky high voice. "What happened? Are you and Leonard official now?"

"Oh, it's nothing like that," Penny asserted, gesturing dismissively with a hand. "It's much better."

"What's what?"

"Sheldon and Amy had sex!"

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><p>"You're joking," Bernadette muttered, squinting suspiciously at the taller blonde woman. "That's impossible."<p>

"Not any more," Penny said with a big smile. "Sheldon admitted to it to everyone, and he showed an abnormal level of ickiness and regret, which confirmed it to me. And Amy now wants to end it with him. Perfectly normal reaction to losing one's virginity."

Bernadette blinked with surprise several times in a row, playing with her menu without actually reading it.

"Are you sure it was Amy who wants to end it now? That makes no sense," Bernadette admitted.

"Trust me, it makes perfect sense," Penny said with a knowing look. "It's because she wanted to do it again and he didn't. So he sort of forced her hand into wanting to end it."

"Wow. So when will she be breaking up with him?"

"Oh, that reminds me. I'm surprised she hasn't called me back. She sent me a text earlier. Lemme just follow up on that real quick."

* * *

><p>Suddenly Amy's phone burst forth into Kim Carnes' "Betty Davis Eyes," nearly causing Sheldon to trip over his own feet.<p>

"Ugh, what is that awful racket?" Sheldon remarked, attempting to regain his composure. He quickly took a seat on Amy's couch in an attempt to hide his brief lack of balance.

"It's Penny's ringtone," Amy admitted. "I recently discovered this tune while at the Cheesecake Factory. It fits her to a T, I think. For one, her hair is the epitome of Harlow gold and—"

"Just—make it stop," Sheldon groaned, grimacing with displeasure. Amy dug her phone out of her purse and answered the call.

"Hello bestie," Amy said.

"_Hey Amy. What are you up to?_" Penny replied.

"I'm here. With Sheldon," Amy said, her voice falling to a near-whisper. Sheldon shot the phone a look of annoyance.

"_I saw your text._ _Are you going to… you know?_"

"We are attempting relationship probation, as it were," Amy replied. "I should resume the conversation I was having with Sheldon," she added. "I'll talk to you later."

"_Alright,_" Penny replied. "_Good luck._"

Amy turned off the phone completely and placed it beneath the couch.

"I'm all ears," she said to Sheldon, folding her hands like a choirgirl and looking at him, her eyes sparkling. Sheldon could only sigh with frustration.

"The relationship agreement specifically addresses the exchange of personal and/or intimate intra-relationship information with third-parties," Sheldon explained. "And it expressly forbids them."

"What relationship agreement?" Amy countered, raising an eyebrow in challenge. "I know not of this 'relationship agreement' you speak of."

It took at least sixty seconds for the implications of Amy's statement to sink into Sheldon's brain. When he made a face of distaste she knew he understood.

"Woman, you drive a hard bargain," Sheldon muttered. "Fine. Divulge at will. Just don't be surprised if you get some poor advice in response."

"But we digress. The book," Amy said, pointing at Sheldon's lap. "Explain to me the birds and the bees."

Sheldon blanched as he stared at the sex book which sat atop his thighs. Since his appointment by Amy Farrah Fowler to teach her such folly, he had strongly desired any form of distraction to avoid this moment and that moment had come suddenly and loudly and had gone. Amy quietly sat next to him, her smile wider than Sheldon had ever seen it. She looked much like a jack o' lantern with peach skin, brown hair and glasses and sat so near to him that he could feel warmth emanating from her heavily clothed skin. Just the thought of her active sweat glands remaining so close to him during such a task made him sweat profusely.

He stared down at the first page before him with a picture of a woman and a man holding hands. Text to the left of the hand-drawn image described the process of courtship. Suddenly Sheldon knew what he had to do. That being, paraphrase. Spit erupted from his mouth as he pronounced excessively guttural sounds.

"Cha' moj wa'…"

"No Klingon," Amy said with a frown, crossing her arms and shaking her head forcefully. "Notwithstanding that it is in fact a made-up language, I cannot abide it because I don't understand a word of it."

"What do I even see in you?" Sheldon muttered, shutting the book. She frowned and he followed up. Relationship probation was nothing to fool around with. "Right—bazinga."

"Sheldon. English. Please," Amy requested, looking downright perturbed.

"Sorry, I simply forgot that some of us aren't bilingual," he remarked, arrogance in his voice. "But I digress."

Amy rolled her eyes, clearly agitated.

"You certainly do digress."

"Right. Well, reading this book earlier made me realize something about the Animal Kingdom. If you think about it, no other kingdom, as numerous as its members and as diverse and specialized as they all are, has utilized coitus as a means of reproducing. Bacteria, protozoans, chromista, plants, and fungi—these kingdoms have existed for millions of years and still do without the need for coitus and all that it entails."

"You forget that I'm a biologist; you need not instruct me on phylogenic classification," Amy murmured, peering at him over the top of her glasses. "And I'm sure that information isn't in this book." Already Sheldon was attempting to argue against the act that she so wanted to experience at least once in her short life.

"Fine," Sheldon muttered. "But I'll have you know that bacteria really know where it's at. They are closer to superheroes than we humans will ever be."

"Why do you say that?" Amy questioned.

"Transformation," Sheldon said with a giddy smile. "When a bacterium dies or voluntarily gives up plasmids containing, for example, resistance genes to antibiotics, another nearby bacterium can simply take up that information and incorporate it into itself, thereby gaining powers at will. No emotions, no confusion, just the free exchange of skills and information."

With that he sat quietly with a pleased little smile on his face.

"That's all well and good, but when are you going to address that book in your lap?" Amy requested. "I would appreciate your not deviating from the task at hand."

Amy couldn't help but watch Sheldon as he looked down at the book, clearly hesitant to address the existence of it. He said nothing and appeared to be considering something very deeply.

"Would you bring me a hot beverage?" Sheldon suddenly requested.

"But you aren't upset," Amy replied.

"Huh, and I thought _I_ was the one who had problems deciphering human emotions," he bemoaned. "Your forcing me to stay on task with this banal book is making it impossible for me to assert my intelligence about a wide range of topics."

"I'm not getting you a hot beverage," Amy stated. "If you can't teach me the ins and outs of coitus, I suppose I'll just have to learn from my bestie. Actually, I could also learn from Howard, Leonard, or Bernadette—hell, probably even Stewart—and be just as infor—"

"Ugh, fine, fine," Sheldon replied, his voice wavering in spite of himself. He placed his hand on the tome, cringing at he did so. "The book."

With that, Sheldon opened the book once again to the page with a man and woman holding hands. Red hearts erupted around their heads. Amy held her breath. What would he say? Would she finally understand what made him behave so differently than the standard male human?

"The crudely drawn picture before you is of a man and woman holding hands," Sheldon began, using his finger to indicate the image. "The illustrators felt obligated to attempt to explain the nature of this interaction because it is not intuitive enough to understand why two people should voluntarily touch. In their uneducated crania, these art school laypeople attempted to justify this action with the usage of hearts."

"You've explained the picture quite thoroughly; thank you, Sheldon," Amy said, rolling her eyes. Sheldon didn't pick up on her use of sarcasm.

"You're welcome," he stated with a big smile. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes, the hearts. I can forgive the illustrators of this book for not realizing that it is in fact nothing of the heart that draws these two people to rely solely on physical interaction to maintain their happiness. It is hormones, which of course drive the baser urges of our species, which happens to be the urge to reproduce. You can understand the inherent difficulty in illustrating such small quantities of endocrine gland secretions."

With that he produced a little wheeze-like laugh.

"Can we move on to the next page?" Amy requested. "I think we've spent long enough waxing poetic about hand-holding."

"Is the student supposed to tell the teacher what to do?" Sheldon said, raising an eyebrow.

In any other case, this bit of role-play talk would have caused quite a pulsation in Amy's loins, but in the context of writing hand-holding off as primitive and hormonal, it annoyed her.

"In this case, yes. We are going to move on now," she replied.

"Fine," Sheldon said, turning the page. The two people were now kissing, their arms wrapped around each other. He made a very brief face of distaste before composing himself.

"Notice how the two humans exchange saliva," he said, pointing at the page. "This exchange of body fluids is derived from the act of anus-sniffing by canines. It is a method of determining MHC compatibility and a strong immune system in the prospective mate. Thus, one can predict if one's offspring will be robust. If not, the process is repeated with many partners. Heaven only knows why Penny hasn't moved on from Leonard, who even from a distance is strongly predicted to produce stunted, myopic offspring."

"How is it you came to know about MHC compatibility and immunity?" Amy questioned, raising an eyebrow. "Have you been reading up on kissing?"

"Being a physicist encompasses the entire universe," he replied without skipping a beat. "Is MHC compatibility not part of the universe?"

"It's part of my universe," Amy responded resolutely. "Not yours. I figured you to discuss the physics of a kiss, if anything."

"It's rather simple, is it not?" he said. "It's the exchange of saliva. The union of slightly parted lips."

"But we've never exchanged saliva," Amy replied. "And yet, we've kissed. How do you explain that?"

"It is true that I know nothing of our MHC compatibility," Sheldon admitted, "but I'm not looking to produce offspring with you."

Amy let out a long sigh and stared off into the distance at the very matter-of-fact statement that had left Sheldon's lips. She felt her heart sink deep into her chest and realized that this pursuit was in vain. To his mind, Sheldon could not see reproduction in their future and thus could feel no physical attraction to her.

"Oh." The sound escaped her lips, the word thick and falling in pitch. She could only stare unblinkingly at the wall, her brain loudly instructing her lacrimal glands to retain their contents. Damn, the truth sure did hurt.

Sheldon began speaking again without addressing the hurt he had caused her. Amy stood up, still refusing to look in Sheldon's direction.

"Where are you going?" Sheldon queried. "Are you going to get me a hot beverage?"

Amy sucked in her breath to prevent the retort that was loaded on her tongue. As she did so, she took a tentative step away from the couch. Suddenly a hand grabbed hers and pulled her back in the vicinity of the couch.

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><p><strong>AN: Yes, there's some angst; sorry about that! Please review!**


	13. The Unilateral Dissolution

**A/N: I'm sorry for the holdup-new job and all that. Anyway, here's chapter 13! Thank you to everyone for your reviews, alerts, and favoriting! I hope you continue to derive enjoyment from the story!**

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><p>Amy Farrah Fowler turned her head back towards Sheldon Cooper, but her eyes would not rise to meet his own. Her autonomic nervous system was on hyper drive, noradrenaline coursing through her veins, stimulating a fight-or-flight response currently favoring the latter option.<p>

"Oops. That reminds me that I have to go somewhere," Amy mumbled, her voice strained. She quickly pulled her hand free of her boyfriend's hand. Slumping, she made a beeline for her bedroom.

"Somewhere?" Sheldon queried, blinking with confusion. "I would argue that that's where you already are. Are you coming back?"

Amy shook her head so forcefully that Sheldon was able to tell from her swishing hair the answer to his question, even from his sizable distance from her.

"Why not?" he said, making a pouty face.

She shut her bedroom door abruptly, not bothering to answer him. Her soul was decimated. At the wholly unexpected response from his female companion, Sheldon stood up promptly, squinting in Amy's general direction.

"Would you care to fill me in on the missed social cues?" Sheldon asked loudly. "I seem to have overlooked the moment that my presence here became unwelcome."

Silence answered him from Amy's room, a silence so deafening that he half wished Adele were playing in the background. This was much like the Texas kindergarten lunchroom when he'd bring his Noah's Ark lunchbox to the lunch table; the children would inexplicably scatter from the room.

"Amy Farrah Fowler, as your guest, I am appalled by your behavior," he said. "What am I to do, now that you've departed the living room?"

"_Leaving_ would be a valid option," she said in a thick sardonic voice, her tone partially obstructed by the particle board door between the pair.

"But—but you haven't formally excused me," he commented. "This does not follow normal social convention."

"Very well, Sheldon, you are formally excused," she hastily replied, again through the door.

The physicist fidgeted in place as he stood uncomfortably before the door.

"I will excuse myself, but first—before I leave, I wanted to reaffirm that the relationship agreement remains valid and that I have successfully intercepted its dissolution."

"Seriously?" she said in an affronted tone, sniffling quietly afterwards. "I think you answered that when you indicated no interest in propagating with me."

"My stance on the matter has nothing to do with you," Sheldon explained. "You see, although the world would greatly benefit from my progeny, I have decided with careful consideration that I will not procreate."

Strangely, Amy didn't reply to Sheldon's statement. He was puzzled. Stepping forward, he knocked on her bedroom door.

_Knock knock knock._ "Amy." _Knock knock knock._ "Amy."

Amy interrupted his compulsive habit and flung open her bedroom door to reveal a red-faced, frizzy-haired individual clearly in the midst of weeping. She began speaking before he could attempt to finish the knocking pattern.

"Shortly after you first met me, you expressed an interest in procreating," she explained, her arms crossed tightly across her chest. "It deeply saddens me that you are now decidedly against this, in spite of our relationship being far more seasoned."

"Oh—so _you_ areinterested in procreating?" Sheldon asked her. It was the next logical query.

"Not at present," Amy responded matter-of-factly. "The chemicals I handle on a daily basis are highly teratogenic. The world cannot wait nine months for the results of my study—well, at the very least, another lab will scoop us in that time. My work must take precedence."

"I see. So why do you care if _I_ wish to procreate, if the process doesn't even interest you at present?"

"It's the principle of it," the neurobiologist said. "If I indicated to you that I did not want to get married, you may be affronted."

"Not hardly!" Sheldon exclaimed, grinning widely. "In fact, I feel quite the same way!"

Amy shook her head solemnly, her mouth set in a kind of grimace.

"I think I can now make a sound and informed decision," Amy indicated, composing herself as she spoke. "Sheldon, we have reached the apex of our relationship and there is nowhere else to go from here. The relationship agreement is hereby dissolved."

He stared at her in horror and confusion and in the second of silence following her statement, he immediately turned and bolted from her door.

"Not without my handshake it isn't!" he yelled, dashing out the door.

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><p>After a half hour of bickering over their restaurant preferences, Raj, Howard, and Leonard all sat down at the Cheesecake Factory, craning their necks to see if Penny was on duty yet. When a redheaded waitress was the one sent to wait on them, not only did Leonard squint with confusion but Raj and Howard scratched their heads.<p>

"Where's Penny?" Leonard queried, rather unfamiliar with this waitress—essentially, with any Cheesecake Factory waitress who wasn't Penny or Bernadette.

"She's around here somewhere," the waitress indicated, looking around. "I take it she's your usual waitress."

"Yes," Leonard answered. "Is there a reason she isn't waiting on us?"

"Eh, I think I'll give you boys some more time," the waitress indicated wearily. With a turn of the heel, she strode back to the kitchens at a fast enough rate of speed as to not be halted by the trio's afterthoughts.

"Ugh, she's a winner," Howard griped. "Do you guys realize that we can't just say we'll get the usual? We have to remember what exactly the 'usual' is."

"Our lives have been changing so fast lately," Raj explained. "First, Leonard has decided to shame my family and date my sister; secondly, Sheldon is getting sweet lovin' and not me, and now we have a new waitress!"

"Not so fast," Leonard said with a smile. "Saved by the Penny," he added with a pointed finger. "She must've just finished up her lunch with Bernadette."

Clothed in her yellow vest and short skirt, Penny grimaced for a moment before heading towards the group. Clearly she was not as happy to see them as they were to see her.

"You guys taken care of?" she asked them, picking a stray hair off of her uniform.

"No," Leonard and Howard said simultaneously.

Howard made a face at Leonard and continued to speak.

"Yes, we'd like the usual—it's so good to be able to say that—but only after you tell us what you and my darling fiancée spoke ab—"

"Right, the usual," she interrupted, quickly scurrying off in the direction of the kitchen.

"Must be a girl thing," Raj commented with a good-natured shrug. "You don't have the touch, Howard. I know I could get her to spill the details if—"

"Yeah, if you could talk," Howard snapped.

"I want you to only finish my sentences for me when I tell you to," Raj retorted. "Ugh, I feel like Ariel after she signed the sea witch's cruel contract. Only alcohol can save me."

"That and the placebo effect," Leonard added, squinting. "It's all in your head, buddy."

"I resent that," Raj pouted. "Tell him, Howard," he said, turning to his Jewish friend. "You know me better than anyone else."

"Well, hey, no problem about Penny's tight lips," Howard said with a smile, his eyes focusing off in the distance. "How about we hear it from the horse's mouth himself?"

"There's a horse in here?" Raj asked, shocked and startled. He turned his head to look in the direction that Howard was gazing. He saw no horse but he did see Sheldon Cooper looking rather disheveled and dare he think it, devastated.

"Damn, he looks like me after my first time, like a lost puppy," Howard muttered, his face heating up. "So much shame in those eyes—and she's not even related to him!"

"Sheldon!" Leonard called, waving his arm. "C'mon, there's an extra seat!"

Sheldon paused, looking torn as he stared in the direction of his group. The suspense was agonizing. The muscles and tendons of his long neck jutted out as he scanned the room, and upon not finding his apparent quarry, his eyes settled again on his group of friends.

"What are you doing here?" he questioned, squinting his eyes suspiciously as he trod towards the guys. "How is it possible that the movie is over already? It's a healthy one-hundred and fifty-five minutes, not including the gratuitous assortment of previews."

"Time flies when you're having fun—though I'd argue that you're now regretting the fun, am I right?" Howard asked, grinning from ear to ear.

"There was in fact nothing fun about the last three hours that would predicate any such belief that time is indeed flying by."

"You were with Amy, though, right?" Leonard asked. "Believe me, the first couple times are awkward as hell, but it'll get better soon."

"First couple times of what?" Sheldon queried.

"Sex, duh," Howard replied. "But I can't say I share Leonard's opinion on those first couple of times. My skills in that department have always been exceptional."

"Amy Farrah Fowler and I did not partake in intercourse," Sheldon stated, closing his eyes as he spoke. "Last night she merely slept next to me, ergo, we slept together. No sex."

Howard's mouth fell open.

"But sleeping together is—"

"A childish idiom that the lesser of our species conjured in order to avoid the phraseology that is so difficult for those unfortunates to pronounce," Sheldon answered.

"Poor unfortunate souls," Raj muttered. "So sad, so true."

"Thank you, Raj," Sheldon replied with a little smile, not catching the Little Mermaid reference.

"So why are you here?" Leonard asked. "And where's Amy?"

Sheldon fidgeted uncomfortably.

"To answer your first query, I arrived here after being reminded yet again why the California public transportation system needs to be superseded by high speed trains with disposable seats. To answer your second, when I departed from Amy's apartment forty minutes ago, she was there. I presume she still is."

"Why is she not here?" the short physicist asked. "You two are inseparable."

Sheldon clucked his tongue at his roommate.

"You know the answer to that, Leonard. Quantum mechanics would suggest that Amy is actually both here and at her apartment."

"Ha ha," Leonard deadpanned. Sheldon continued unabated.

"However, upon my scanning the restaurant for Amy, her sustained absence must mean that she is actually at her apartment."

"Why?" Raj said. This elicited a sigh from Sheldon.

"I was hoping you'd have a better question, Raj: namely, how is it that I intuitively understand quantum mechanics? That, my friend, is what you should be wondering. Now, to answer your far less educated inquiry, Amy has inexplicably decided to terminate our relationship agreement."

"So you're single again?" Raj asked. "Great, dude, I am not alone."

The tall physicist sighed again with exasperation at Raj's comment.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, but in fact she and I are still together. I didn't allow her to shake on it and as explicitly stated in the relationship agreement, the decision to end the relationship must be mutual. Do any of you happen to know where Penny is?"

Leonard and Howard exchanged a glance of confusion. Where was Sheldon going with this?

"Why?" Leonard blurted.

Sheldon made a face that conveyed how stupid he believed the question to be.

"I must avoid Amy for the time being while Penny attempts to understand her warped reasoning."

"This isn't like a subpoena, buddy," Howard commented. "It's over. If all of my relationships had to be mutually ended, I'd probably still be with my very first lady…"

"That's where you and I differ," Sheldon corrected, wagging his finger disdainfully. "I specifically crafted the relationship agreement to avoid surprises and collateral damage to emotions and egos. All acts of impetuousness and jealousy are erased by my stipulations."

Leonard's eyebrow raised, his eye contact suddenly elsewhere.

"If that's true, then why is she with Stuart?"

"What are you babbling about?" Sheldon shot back. "The relationship agreement states that in the event of a breakup, a rebound relationship is not permissible for at least ten days."

Leonard continued to stare off towards the door, saying nothing, his mouth set in a grimace. Raj saw the pair at the door, Amy's face leaning against Stuart's shoulder, and gasped. Howard could only shake his head and roll his eyes.

When Sheldon finally turned around to face Amy Farrah Fowler, his sympathetic nervous system was on high alert, adrenaline coursing through his veins. She'd disrespected their contract and found solace in that little weasel! The harlot!

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><p><strong>Please review! <strong>


	14. The Hypotension Explanation

**A/N: I recommend reading this while listening to One Hour Photo – End Titles (on iTunes!). That's what I listened to while writing it. It sets a mood with no pesky lyrics to distract! Thank you all for the reviews/watches/favorites!**

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><p>At the sight of his girlfriend with another man, Sheldon didn't waste a second to consider a plan of action. His vision quivering, rendering the room into that of a minor earthquake's epicenter, he strode rapidly across the room, his gaze never leaving the junction between Amy Farrah Fowler's head and Stuart's shoulder. Sheldon recalled the incident between Amy and Leonard in which he was compelled to judo-chop Leonard for mentioning the pulled groin the short man gotten from being with Amy at the wedding. This was five—no, <em>seven<em> times worse than that!

Fortunately for Sheldon, as Stuart saw him coming, he sheepishly moved away from Amy just enough to cause them to break their physical point of contact.

"Amy Farrah Fowler!" Sheldon bellowed, his face twisted into a scowl, spittle flying from his mouth. She looked at him in an oddly tired way, her face full of hopelessness and inevitability. This further irked Sheldon. Why was she not startled or ashamed? She was caught in the act!

Suddenly Sheldon remembered the handshake that she might attempt. Perhaps this was a way of forcing him to approach her so that the finalizing handshake could be performed. This would not do!

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><p>Leonard watched his friend stomp away, and stared off in the direction of the departing physicist. Clearly Amy was performing this blatantly open act in order to make Sheldon jealous, and apparently it was working.<p>

Leonard's own failed attempts at maintaining a relationship with Penny resurfaced in his mind. As awkward and socially inept as Sheldon seemed, perhaps it was his confrontational Texas upbringing and outspoken family that made him more liable to correct injustices. Eh…. maybe it was just hormones.

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><p>Amy was short. Sheldon was tall. His hands were fast and free to move and hers were folded demurely in front of her, fingers entwined. The handshake had to be avoided at all costs.<p>

As Stuart made room, Sheldon grabbed Amy by the arm and continued walking with purpose, pulling her easily out of the restaurant. She did not try to dig her heels in or even speak; she simply let the tall irritated man maintain his momentum.

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><p>It was now raining outside the restaurant and the sky was prematurely dark and stormy. Sheldon moved Amy to the side and released her arm as she leaned against the Cheesecake Factory building. A grimace came to her face and she crossed her arms tightly across her chest, rain soaking her hair and clothes and dripping from her glasses.<p>

"It's raining, Sheldon," she grumbled, clearly irritated by his apparent ignorance of it.

"I don't care," he replied, hair matted to his head. "In case you failed to realize, we are not over. I did not shake on it, and the agreement dictates that—"

Amy held out her hand, fingers extended and he abruptly stopped talking. She looked grim and yet matter-of-fact, her chin up as if challenging him. Even so, the rain streaming down her face made it appear as if she was crying. Sheldon stared at the hand with a strange curiosity. His eyes moved from her hand to her eyes. He was shocked at the resolve in this short female person. He'd underestimated her strength of will.

"But—who am I gonna talk to?" he asked her, his voice softening as he stared again at her hand. "Who will I play Counterfactuals with? What I am going to do on the second Thursday of every month?"

Amy merely shrugged. She'd had her say in the apartment and at its utter failure, she was now empty.

"How could you do this to me?" Sheldon said, his chest rising and falling dramatically with each breath. "With Stuart, of all people? Canoodling with him in public, no less! Am I not worth a better rebound than that?! At the very least you could have picked another doctor!"

"He's not a rebound, Sheldon," she informed him. "I called him to accompany me to the restaurant. He merely obliged," she muttered, her eyes now focused on the ground. Sheldon's body language indicated that he was not convinced. He looked up at her, his arms shaking like dachshunds attempting to dry themselves.

"But you were—touching him! That I cannot abide!"

"In fact, it was more like he was providing me postural support by allowing me to lean my upper torso towards his shoulder. The excessive water loss earlier has been causing me to suffer from orthostatic hypotension. Hence, the reason I'm currently leaning against this filthy, wet building."

"Excessive water loss?"

"Tears."

"Interesting," he murmured. "But why Stuart and not Penny? Could _she_ not have accompanied you?"

"Ha, you have more to worry about with _her_ than with Stuart," Amy cracked, a small smile appearing and then dissipating.

Sheldon blinked.

"What?"

"Never mind, Sheldon. She's the reason I came to the Cheesecake Factory. I planned on speaking with her after her shift was over or at least until she went on break. I just needed someone until then."

"Well, what about me? You have me. That should have been your first choice, if I do say so myself."

"Sheldon, I'm sad _because_ of you, which predicates that I speak with someone else."

Sheldon balked, still lost.

"What did _I_ do? Did I not explicitly state that our relationship is in fact not over and is actually in the process of being on probation? Did I not attempt to explain to you the birds and the bees? Did I not agree to sleep by your side, for heaven's sake?"

"True," she murmured, looking thoughtful and perhaps a bit guilty. So he hadn't forgotten about making that particular amendment to their agreement. The cold rain soaked through her woolen clothing and made her shiver. "You did attempt to do all those things. However, your ardent refusal to consider participating in valid and highly anticipated events in my future… well, it makes me sad."

"I assumed us both to be above such provincial needs," he replied. "Are you and I not future award–winning neurobiologists and Nobel Prize Laureates, respectively? Our minds would be wasted on diaper changing, potty training and a piece of paper that forces us to obey what is essentially a relationship agreement drafted by lawmakers much less intelligent and extrapolative than we are."

Amy considered Sheldon's logic. It was surprisingly sound and yet was lacking in that it did not hint at _any_ contemplation to be a parent or spouse.

"I wasn't asking us to marry or have children anytime_ soon_, Sheldon," she replied, her voice breaking. "Just that you might love me enough to want to do it someday."

She was almost compelled to put her hands over her mouth. _Damn._ She'd said the L word. According to the relationship agreement, this was not to be used in the context of an argument. In fact, it had even been stated as L_ve in the agreement. _Love_ was wholly forbidden.

"I see," Sheldon said, using the back of his hand to wipe the rain from his forehead. His response was anticlimactic. "However, you are equating love with procreation and matrimony. I argue that what you call _love_ is in fact a primal emotional attachment to another that alters the lover's perception of the lovee in such a way as to render that person a perfect match to him or her."

Thankfully the rain concealed the hot tear that surreptitiously slid down Amy Farrah Fowler's cheek. It was the first time she'd heard Sheldon's opinion of the concept of love.

"Is that what this is?" she asked quietly.

"I would argue that it is," he responded with no hesitation.

"You love me," Amy stated, her eyebrow cocked as she tested the way the statement sounded in her mouth. "Am I correct in saying that?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes. His soaked t-shirt clung to his body, outlining the shape of his torso. She'd left herself particularly vulnerable with this statement, and immediately regretted the possibility of what he might say. She decided to take in the sight of his practically naked torso to avoid thoughts of her sustained vulnerability.

"Can you not infer my feelings toward you based on this most recent turn of events?" he replied. "You're a neurobiologist. Do you not believe that it is indeed oxytocin that is flooding the synaptic clefts in my nucleus accumbens, compelling me to do things I don't normally do?"

Amy almost swooned at Sheldon's way with words, at the mention of the love hormone oxytocin working in the context of his central nervous system. _Woo_, neurobiology and romance paired quite well together.

"That's all well and good, but I just want to hear you say it," she said, clearing her throat. "You know, that you love me."

"This feels so… juvenile," he murmured, shifting impatiently from one foot to the other. "Look at you, Amy; you're shivering. You'll catch your death out here."

At that, he moved to her side and draped his arm over her back, pulling her against his body. Amy felt him shiver against her and couldn't help but shiver again, this time for an entirely different reason.

"This frigid rain, combined with our meager clothing, reminds me of the North Pole," he said, staring off in the distance. "It seems that in this case, our body heat is ineffective in warming us."

"I propose that we get out of the rain and huddle together for warmth," Amy added. She shivered again. "Partake in a mid-day nap, as it were. It's the perfect day for it."

"I agree," Sheldon responded. He blinked at the sound of his reply in the affirmative. No coercion had elicited such a reply. Rather, he'd said yes because it was a good idea. Perhaps the idea would have occurred to him had Amy not proposed it first.

"I see that your car is in the parking lot. Surely Stuart can find his own way home," Sheldon added.

"Most assuredly," she replied with a nod. Now she was smiling. Sheldon felt relieved.

"Allow me to first confirm that we are in fact still together," he stated.

"On probation," Amy cautioned. "But yes, we are together."

"I guess this means we will be sleeping together," he said. "_Sleeping_."

"Yes," she said. "Transverse unconsciousness. Is that feasible for you?"

"It is," he replied solemnly.

They strode to her car in silence, although Sheldon continued to keep his arm around her. The inherent thinness of his appendage did little to block the raindrops from striking her, but it did serve as assistance for her crying-induced wooziness.

"I guess the only question remaining is where this event will be taking place," Sheldon asked, walking her to her car door.

"What?" Amy replied, her mind floating on a cloud as she clicked the unlock button on her keychain. At that, Sheldon opened the door for her and removed his arm from around her shoulders. As she moved to enter the vehicle, staring up at him with excitement all the while, he spoke.

"I suppose what I'm saying in lay-speak is, _your place or mine_?"

Amy abruptly fell to the ground, having fainted from utter joy. Sheldon stared at her still body for several seconds before realizing the implications of her fall. She awoke shortly with a sore head and a back covered in gritty asphalt chunks to find her boyfriend hoisting her by the upper arms while trying to pull her into a seated position.

"You weren't lying about that orthostatic hypotension," he muttered, straining with effort as he finally attained his goal.

"Right," she replied, rubbing her sore head. "Orthostatic hypotension." Slowly she moved to one knee as he helped to pull her to her feet. She teetered unsteadily, bits of black asphalt falling from her back. "Uh, orthostatic hypotension has been known to linger, so you may have to physically support me for some time—you know, for my well-being."

"Of course," he answered.

Sheldon didn't see Amy's big toothy grin as she entered the vehicle. And Amy didn't see Sheldon's little smile as she did so.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Either this will be the end chapter or I may have one more. What do you think?**


	15. The Contrived Emergency Situation

**A/N: Thank you for all your reviews/favorites/follows! This is the final chapter! Please please let me know what you thought about my first Big Bang Theory fanfiction! That will determine what I do next (or if I should do something next)!**

* * *

><p>A palpable silence filled the car as Amy turned the ignition switch. Dare she look at him? The possibility of one intense look changing Sheldon's mind was high. It was critical that she know their destination, but her companion said nothing.<p>

One thing that did occur to her, that Sheldon Cooper had caused her to literally faint with joy, the asphalt chunks sandwiched between her hindquarters and the car seat the reminder of such a reaction. And here, she thought that only Penny's accepting smile and natural beauty could ever compel her to do such a thing.

Meanwhile, Sheldon shivered in his passenger side seat, his feet now extremely itchy, shoes waterlogged. He used the heel of his hand to push the hair back from his face. He used his peripheral vision to see Amy staring straight ahead.

Amy stared at the rivulets of rain streaming down her windshield. _It's going to be my place._ _He won't have a thing to change into and so he'll have to be in the buff. Besides, I have no roommates to barge in on us…._

Taking in a breath and holding it, Amy shifted into drive and moved her right foot to the gas pedal. _Apartment 314, here we come, _she mused.

"You never answered my question," Sheldon suddenly blurted, just as she began to circle out of the parking lot.

She hadn't recalled a question. Had her musings been so loud as to block out all other sound?

"What question was that?" she hastily replied.

"Where we're going. I asked you just before you collapsed."

"Right. My place," she answered huskily.

"Interesting," he replied, cocking his head. "Why?"

"I have more absorbent towels," Amy explained. "And—"

"That's a good enough reason for me," he said. "One can never underestimate the permeability of quality cotton."

Amy smiled over at him.

"My sentiments, exactly."

* * *

><p>"Why aren't they back yet?" Howard asked.<p>

Stuart sighed as he stood by the table, shifting from one foot to the other.

"If I didn't know them any better, I would think they were a normal couple," Stuart remarked. "Girl gets mad at boy, boy shows up and yanks girl out of Cheesecake Factory away from other boy who was just trying to be nice."

"Do you think they are still outside?" Raj asked.

"Good question. We should check it out," Howard responded.

Leonard rolled his eyes.

"You are an unapologetic rubbernecker, Howard."

"Tell me you don't wanna see what they're doing," Howard replied with a smile.

"You're right," Leonard admitted. "Let's go check it out."

* * *

><p>"They're gone!" Howard said, scratching his head as he ducked back into the restaurant. "Guess it's makeup time for those kids."<p>

"Ugh, there goes my ride. How am I going to get back home?" Stuart sighed. "Not that that's any better than here."

"Why don't you eat with us?" Raj offered. "We've already ordered, but I'm sure Penny will take your order too."

"Thanks," Stuart admitted, grimacing. "Although I doubt it. You just saw what happened. I tried to be a shoulder to cry on and almost get mowed over by an angry boyfriend. She didn't even give me a heads up as to what she was doing."

"It's not you; it's as if she and Sheldon are in a black hole of love," Raj said. "Every time one of them tries to leave, they get sucked back in."

"I can't believe you just equated their relationship with a black hole," Howard groaned.

Raj only smiled at him and shrugged.

"I'm an astrophysicist; it's what I do."

* * *

><p>Amy strode ahead of Sheldon as they traversed to apartment 314. This was it. It was as if she was learning how to hand-feed a songbird at the feeder. One aggressive step too many, and the bird would fly away and never come back. However, she had to seem in control of the situation. Perhaps she could convince the bird that eating from her hand was the only thing to do. She began to inwardly chant a mantra, careful that Sheldon didn't see her lips moving silently.<p>

_Keep it cool. Keep it cool. Keep it cool._

The more she attempted to woo him blatantly, the worse it seemed. Perhaps being as nonchalant and practical as possible would help her in this case. It certainly seemed to increase Leonard's affection for Penny although he was currently with Priya. Either that or Penny was just that irresistible. Probably the latter.

"Are you gonna unlock that door anytime soon?" Sheldon queried, his Texas accent noticeable. He ran his hands up and down his goosebumped arms. "I can't wait to take off these clothes."

Amy shuddered, her vision shaking from side to side as she fumbled with the keys. _Oh my God._

"Is that right?" Amy replied in as contained a voice as possible. She jammed the key into the hole, silently thanking the heavens.

"It's clinging to my skin and making me itch," he explained, hopping from one foot to another. "Especially my feet. Ugh, Lord have mercy."

"Don't worry, you'll be totally… unfettered soon," Amy mumbled. She opened the door and turned on the light in her apartment. Without stopping she walked to the windows and drew the bamboo blinds.

Sheldon moved into the room behind her and shut the door, locking it behind them.

"It's freezing in here," he complained, crossing his arms tightly across his chest. "I can't disrobe in here."

"Oh, was the North Pole warm?" she shot back. "Didn't think so."

"Was that a contentious remark you just made?" Sheldon asked. "Because it sounded like you answered a question in my place—which is contentious."

She turned around, irritated at Sheldon's constant picking. Perhaps this was his way to attempt to forget about their agreement. This would not do at all. Her practical, confident side had to come out—in lieu of that, she would simply pretend as if it existed. Yes. What she wanted him to do had to make sense to _him, _much like herPh.D. defense: she had to convince him that her way of handling the situation was the only suitable way to do so.

"Sheldon, you're wet and you're cold and your brain is losing precious heat. Take off your shoes."

He looked at her with mild confusion. Was Amy telling him what to do?

"Your feet are itchy and could develop athlete's foot if you leave them shod for too long," Amy said matter-of-factly. "I take that back. Take off your shoes… _and_ your socks."

"But—your floor—"

"Is cleaner than your fungus-covered feet right now," she cut in. "But hell, I'll risk it."

"Fungus?" he gasped. "You're right. They're opportunistic and waiting for the chance to make my flesh their home."

He stood in place in front of the door and lifted each leg, yanking his shoes off.

"Socks too," Amy told him.

Sheldon looked down at his socked feet, at the moisture between his feet and the floor. Within moments, he'd removed the offending garments and stood gawkily on the bare floor with his bare feet. It was the first time Amy recalled seeing Sheldon's feet. That was most certainly her ovary twitching deep within her.

"Well, aren't you going to come in?" she asked him, gesticulating to the body of the room. He moved further into her domicile and began to turn around to sit on her couch.

"No way," Amy declared, melting internally in spite of her seemingly strong voice. "You're not going to get my couch all wet, no sir. If you want to sit in my apartment, you have to take off your pants first."

"Fine," Sheldon huffed. "I'll stand."

"Very well," Amy replied hastily. She slipped her shoes off with practiced ease and attempted to convey that his decision didn't bother her.

"Aren't you going to offer me a beverage?" Sheldon asked. "Demanding that I strip is no way to treat a guest."

"We both entered the apartment at the same time; hence, you are not my guest."

"I fail to see the logic of that statement," he huffed, crossing his arms. Amy glanced again at his bare feet. More progress had to be made.

"Fine," she deadpanned. "I'll explain."

She moved to the couch quickly and impulsively sat down on it. Sheldon was now glaring at her.

"That's not fair. You just told me that I have to take my pants off to sit down, but you don't?"

"Right," she exhaled. Damn, now she was going to have to strip to prove a point. If she could do this unthreateningly enough, it might convince him to do the same. _Sheldon is a baby bird. Be matter-of-fact and he won't fly._

Amy stood back up. She lifted her dowdy cardigan just enough to find the button and zipper of her skirt. Sheldon gawked at her but was unable to say anything. Swallowing loudly, Amy unbuttoned and unzipped the clothing and slid it down her legs. Unable to make eye contact with him during this bold action, she set the damp garment by the window and proceeded to sit down on her couch in her cardigan, shoes, and underwear. Her juices were flowing and she silently thanked her zebra-print Victoria's Secret underwear for being soaked with rainwater.

"Now you," she said, folding her hands demurely across her lap, in spite of her white thighs being on full display.

He peered down at her with a bewildered expression.

"You stripped in the North Pole," she said. "This is no different."

"But you're my girlfriend," he indicated, looking like a pouty child.

"Have I done anything sexual?" Amy asked. "Have I performed the act of undressing any way differently than a man wearing a kilt, for instance?"

"I suppose you haven't, but…"

"But what? Are we not mature people who desire a common outcome for this trek? I want to be warm and dry and I'm assuming you want that as well."

* * *

><p>Sheldon's eyes moved fearfully around the floor and then he inhaled loudly. He moved his hands to the region of his waist and undid his pants, keeping his head down as he did so. Amy stared as dispassionately as she could while he removed his pants, swaying his hips back and forth as he slowly pulled the garment down over his long hairy legs. He placed the pants near her skirt and walked back toward the couch, his legs and feet naked and white briefs peeking out from under his t-shirt.<p>

Amy had thrown away Gerard. A robust 'tooth-brushing' was impossible at this moment. The real thing was standing in front of her and she was already feeling lightheaded and ready for the _beast with two backs_. Even so, she knew only too well how this would end. There'd be awkwardness and perhaps some unintentionally hurtful words waiting her at the end of today's happenings. Perhaps she'd be inclined to weep at her boyfriend's enduring insensitivity and lack of interest in her.

But for now, this had to continue. They were a couple of months shy of the two-year anniversary of their first date and they were both in a pseudo-bottomless state. It reminded her of the oft-listened Meat Loaf song "Paradise by the Dashboard Light": _ain't no doubt about it, we were doubly blessed, cause_ _we were barely seventeen and we were barely dressed_. Her vestibular glands were working overtime and she worried for her couch.

"I'm going to go to my bedroom and get under the covers to warm up," she said, standing up abruptly and taking several plodding steps toward her room. "You are welcome to join me."

Sheldon looked down at his legs and bare feet.

"The sheets are fresh," Amy explained. "They are even cleaner than the floor of this rented habitat."

"Okay," he replied. He strode towards her as she turned again to head to her bedroom. She pushed the door open and shut her eyes as she slipped her wet cardigan over her head, her back to Sheldon all the while. Her bra was black and lacy and Sheldon realized that this was a rather different experience than the North Pole. Amy was easier on the eyes and smelled a great deal better than his male friends. He hadn't realized that she wasn't shaped like the cardigans she always wore. Amy had a waist and hips that swelled outward to an even further extent than Penny's, recalling the night he'd seen the blonde naked. Amy was quite differently built than he, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Amy's back was exposed to him and he felt the urge to put his hands on her skin to determine if it was as smooth as it looked. Her long brunette hair, though tangled and wet from the rain, complemented her complexion well.

Before Sheldon could decide on his next course of action, Amy moved away from him.

She continued to avoid Sheldon's eyes as she moved to the bed and slipped underneath the covers with her usual level of demureness. She turned on her side, facing away from him, her mind reeling from sheer force of will keeping her from speaking or doing anything.

Sheldon could only stand by her bed and stare at her as if completely unsure of the next step. Amy could sense his innate sense of danger. She had to appear as unthreatening as possible.

Amy Farrah Fowler had shut her eyes. Had she fallen asleep already? Sheldon suddenly felt an urge to scratch under his arm and realized that he'd feel much better without the shirt.

Why oh _why_ hadn't he insisted upon his apartment? At least his clothes were there. Sheldon had absolutely nothing to change into and so he either had to leave on his current outfit, or remove it and warm his body under the covers. He jumped at the sound of a light moan-like sigh and his eyes moved to Amy's face. She was smiling, her eyes were shut and she looked content and… cuddly.

With utter care, Sheldon pulled his t-shirt and undershirt over his head, shivering as the offending garments were lifted from his flesh. Immediately he lifted the other side of the bed covers and slid underneath them.

Warmth emanated from Amy's body and he unintentionally bumped his hip against her backside. He could only stare at the back of her head as he did so, scooting ever so carefully away from her so as not to make contact.

Amy could feel her heart beating in her ears. _He's so close, but so far away…_ Perhaps Sheldon believed that she was sleeping—if so, she could use her powers of random non-REM sleep movements to close the distance between them… and touch what she hoped would be a bare chest. Having kept her eyes open for the last couple of minutes had given her a severe disadvantage in knowing what Sheldon was doing in the silence of her room. She began a rather convincing yawn.

Sheldon gulped as he heard Amy stir; had he awoken her with the advertent touch of her body? Drat! Abruptly Amy's arm flailed backwards, the backs of her fingers brushing against his meager chest hair and moving lightly again towards her body. _He's topless! The bird is at the feeder!_

After the touch of his body, Sheldon stared at Amy's back. He needed to talk to her. The towels were needed. His hair and underpants were still suffering the effects of the rain and he wanted to wrap himself in something. Unlike with Howard, Raj, and Leonard, he felt oddly vulnerable. Perhaps it was the absurdity of the moment; he could have easily gone back to his house, taken a hot shower and warmed back up in his plaid robe and pajamas, but here he was in Amy Farrah Fowler's bed almost as naked as the day he was born.

Sheldon knocked on Amy's nightstand three times and murmured her name. Nothing.

He tried knocking on her headboard three times with the same utterance, followed by her name. Silence. Sleep was a strange state indeed.

For the third set of knocks, he used Amy's shoulder as the proverbial door. Her skin really _was_ that soft.

"Amy," he muttered, his voice abnormally careful. He left his knuckles in contact with her skin several moments longer than was necessary.

This time she stirred, turning to him with a slow, controlled movement, blinking her eyes in mock awakening.

"Yes?" she asked, her voice thicker than normal.

"Where are your absorbent towels?" he asked. "My hair's still wet and I don't want to get pneumonia."

"I think it's more imperative that you warm your body, Sheldon," she replied. "When I turn away again, you should manipulate your limbs and trunk to fit the contours of my body; hence, we share as much body heat as possible."

"—But you were the one to mention it as a benefit of coming here."

"I've heard about your emergency preparedness drills, Sheldon. Every three months you subject your friends to them," she replied matter-of-factly. "This is in fact another emergency preparedness drill. It is the dead of winter and we are trapped in this room. There is a large boulder blocking our escape from the door to fetch towels. The only warmth we can acquire is from each other and the bed. We face the risk of freezing to death otherwise."

"I see," he replied hesitantly. "However, you've failed to provide me advanced notice of this impromptu—"

"An emergency, by its very nature, cannot be predicted," she replied with a smile.

"Now you're sounding like me," he replied, glowing with pride.

Amy never wanted so badly to kiss the man, except perhaps after he'd gotten her the tiara, but she suppressed it. Physicality and romance would have to be addressed on separate occasions; this was the only strategy that would further each of the two lacking aspects in the relationship.

"Shall we commence?" she said, after clearing her throat impatiently. Immediately she turned away from him and lie on her side.

Sheldon studied the back of her hair, a bit of a bra strap exposed above the blankets. He shifted carefully onto his side and scooted his body up against the back of hers, essentially spooning her. Amy's body radiated warmth and the sensation of her smooth skin against his was the first time he could recall ever recalling such an occurrence. It must have been significant indeed.

_I have to concentrate on the emergency preparedness_, he mused. _I wonder how long the boulder will remain…._

The closer Sheldon's body inched to Amy's, the warmer and drier his own body felt. The only drawbacks were the contact points of their remaining clothes, which still were damp from the rain. One of his arms began to tingle as it lost sensation.

"What am I supposed to do with my arms? I'm not a side sleeper," Sheldon suddenly blurted.

"You should drape them over me, to protect me from falling debris as well as to further warm your arms."

"What about the other one? That's only possible with my left arm."

"Sandwich it between the two of us. You might even think about removing my upper garment with your hand; it could pierce your skin or strangle me if chaos would erupt."

He blinked. It made sense. It was a rather elastic garment, though strangely archaic in its design.

"How?"

"Push the two sections of the br…. garment together in the thoracic region of my vertebral column," she explained.

He reached a timid hand out and attempted to squeeze the pieces together to unhook them. Soon he was successful. Amy slipped the garment off and quietly tossed the bra onto the ground by the bed, her heart banging in her ears and womanhood throbbing. She waited at least a minute before making any sudden motions, and felt Sheldon's left arm snake over her back and lie upon her own upper arm, his pelvis pressed solidly against her backside. This was it.

"Woo!" she breathed out loudly, her fingers and teeth clenching. "Woooo!" Sheldon had finally replaced Gerard.

"What was that all about?" Sheldon asked.

"Uh, that was a nuclear siren, of course," she quickly explained, breathing heavily. "Yes, for our drill."

"That doesn't mean we have to move now, does it?" Sheldon whined.

"Hmm?"

Sheldon's voice was now streaming from a position very close to her left ear, giving her aftershocks of her climactic moment. Emergency preparedness drills were pure bliss.

"Because we can't go anywhere, you know. I'm not belaying from a third-story window."

Amy was glad that the darkness hid her broad grin.

"Well, if we do get thirsty in the meantime, I have a bottle of wine in the closet."

"No thank you, Amy," Sheldon replied matter of factly. "I want to stay awake and aware. Apparently the threat of intoxication causes me to lose consciousness."

"Okay," she replied. She felt him snuggle into her, felt his hairy legs moving against her smooth ones.

"That boulder's not gonna be moved anytime soon," Sheldon murmured. "Let's just wait it out here. I think we're safest right here."

Amy closed her eyes, smiling in the dark.

"You took the words right of my mouth."

The End


End file.
